Best of IE

Best Part of Waking Up? The Morning Stiffy—KCAL 96.7

No matter what age group or nationality, sex or religion, clique, crew or club, IE residents have one common bond: We love to be entertained. As we waste an unreasonable amount of our lives sitting on the mobile parking lots known as the 10, 215, 91 and 15 (just to name a few), the majority of us listen to plenty of radio. If you were to go through the presets in the IE, the station that comes up more often than not on our dials is KCAL 96.7.

An example of this enthusiasm?

“KCAL’s awesome,” says Jon Matthews of Planes Crash out of Riverside. “I’m a young guy but I love to listen to new, as well as older rock. Hopefully one day they’ll spin some Planes Crash.”

“I love The Morning Stiffy!” says Jackie Carbajal of IE-based band Tearing Away. “KCAL rocks because they don’t play that emo crap.”

It’s true that the IE loves to rock out and no one feeds our rock fix quite like KCAL. With a set list containing everything from Led Zeppelin to Tool, Soundgarden to Atreyu, Poison to Creed—and anything else that thunders at your speakers—you know you’re in for some ear candy when you tune in. “There’s so much good music to choose from,” says Jimbo, “why would you limit yourself to one decade? If it rocks, we play it.”

  If you happened to rise before the roosters to tune in to my on-air interview with The Morning Stiffy, with Stu, Tiffany and Jimbo on October 2, then you already know the DJ’s love the musical variety as much as the listeners do.

 “We’re lucky to be here because most DJ’s don’t like the music they have to play,” says Tiffany of The Morning Stiffy, “but we all love rock. And our roster is as varied as our music and listeners. From Sack (of Stiffy fame), our youth of the nation, to grandpa Stu, we all get to play music we love.”

We all know that experience births success and the KCAL roster have loads of it. Stu has been with the station since Jethro Tull’s “Bungle in the Jungle” hit airwaves in 1975 (32 years). Tiffany and Jimbo are entering their 15th campaigns. And Sack is going on 11 years strong.  Even the evening DJ, Daryl, has logged serious KCAL time (20 years and running). These people are absolute classics.

Their flagship program, The Morning Stiffy, has been on the air with their current lineup for 10 years. Thus, they have been jubilantly celebrating the “Year of The Stiffy,” accumulating with a special Rock & Roll Bingo at San Manuel Casino, with over $19,000 in prizes.

An example of the enthusiasm?

“I love KCAL because they connect with the listeners,” says Chad Overton of San Bernardino.

“I’m from the IE, so I love interacting with our listeners,” Stu says. The IE is one the fastest growing radio markets, so KCAL always has more and more people to interact with. No station is more involved in the IE than KCAL. Their keggers regularly draw more than 2,000 fans to the KCAL parking lot in Redlands. Their promotions teams are always making things happen all over the IE. And their giveaways are always a huge hit. They have helped upgrade not only ear, but eye candy as well, with their annual Boob Camps. This year one lucky listener will get vehicle enhancements with KCAL’s “Rock Your Ride.” Another blessed listener will roll in a limo to the Playboy Mansion this month. And of course they have held what might be the best IE-based contest, “Get A Life.” Not to mention the countless lesser, but just as rocking, contests they hold, like the guitar competition they held at Sam Ash in Ontario a few years back—I should’ve won that Jimbo!” 

Though KCAL’s contests and other extra curriculars are awesome, what really makes a radio station is the music and the programming. KCAL’s programming is crème de la crème. The Morning Stiffy is the “best of part of waking up” for thousands of IE residents (sorry Folgers’s). Their hilarious segments like Tiff’s Teenage Diary, Jimbo’s Bedtime Stories and Chicken Soup for Satan’s Soul make the sea of IE traffic seem obsolete. In the afternoon with Kelli Cluqüe you can fest on a hair metal smorgasbord with All You Can Eat ‘80s. The Freeway Jam with Daryl has undoubtedly prevented countless road rage incidents. And for the metal heads they have Mandatory Metallica with Filthy Sanchez and the Moshpit with Mike Z. 

  “We love the IE and love giving our listeners music and entertainment they really enjoy,” says Sack. Well, platonically speaking (in most cases), the IE loves you guys too, Sack. The IE wouldn’t be the IE without KCAL. (Donté Hightower)

KCAL 96.7FM, The Morning Stiffy weekday mornings from 6am to 10am

Best Architectural Wonder—The Riverside Art Museum

Located in the historic downtown district of Riverside, the Riverside Art Museum, while not as nationally known as the Mission Inn, has a unique and equally interesting history all its own.

Designed by architect Julia Morgan in 1929, the site was originally Riverside’s first YWCA. As the nation’s premiere (and only) professionally-recognized female architect, Morgan served as William Randolph Hearst’s personal creator for almost 25 years, designing most of the Hearst homes and retreats, his monolithic castle in San Simeon being the most famous. In fact, during her career, Morgan was responsible for over 700 buildings in California, including the Mills College Bell Tower and many residences in Claremont and Berkeley. But these lofty credentials didn’t stifle the objections from the Mission Inn’s Frank Miller. During the hiring process, Miller urged the YWCA directors to retain an architect who would mimick the Mission style already established in the area. Fortunately, the directors held firm, and Morgan was allowed to create the spectacular Mediterranean Classical landmark that offered an indoor pool, gym, open-air atrium and rooftop fireplace to thousands of women for over 40 years.

In 1967 the building was transferred over to the Riverside Art Museum, which began reimagining the structure into the city’s artistic center. And it was. With art classes for children, teens and adults, the RAM is where I was taught how to draw and shade an apple when I was a child. They also offered gallery exhibitions for local and nationally-known artists, and every year held an art contest for high school students. (I was robbed in 1987 when I received a mere honorable mention for my brilliant turquoise and orange acrylic of paintbrushes, called, um, Brushes.)

After rennovations in the 90s updated interior systems and exterior scruff, the RAM emerged modernly functionable and with one of the best luncheon spots in town—City Cuisine owned and operated by Gerry and Chris Baker (former schoolmates of mine, but I stand by my bias!). Most recently, the RAM upped the cultural anty by adding bi-monthly poetry readings and workshops, and exposing the newly-metropolized downtown to sometimes controversial art exhibitions. And we think that’s only fitting. Julia Morgan was, after all, a daring pioneer—not to mention a rumored Sapphist—who dedicated most of her life’s work to doing what would later become a prominent feminist cause: creating places that supported the growth and well-being of women. Walk the rooms of the RAM on a quiet day and you can almost feel them skipping past you in the halls.  (Stacy Davies)

Riverside Art Museum, 3425 Mission Inn Ave., Riverside; (951) 684-7111; For more info visit: www.riversideartmuseum.org

Best Artist Who Hates the Word Best—Jeff Soto

hen I first approached Jeff about being in the “Best of IE Weekly” issue, he was honored that I thought of him but, in his words, “there’s really no such thing as the best artist.” While philosophically I appreciate where he was coming from, at the end of his interview I only became more convinced that in the IE Soto is in a category all his own as an artist, a consistently humble human being, and generally a cool and interesting guy to hang out with.

We met up at his studio in Riverside, despite the stress and craziness of his impending move (still within the city). The 32-year-old artist took me through a bit of his history, showing me the slideshow that is part of his lectures at some of the most prestigious art schools in the state. But access to art wasn’t readily available like it is today when he first started out. “At RCC, I had to seek out contemporary art, there was only one computer in the library, and it was just hooked up to other computers in other libraries.” Still, he was able to find the art a short distance away. “Part of the fun of living in this area is that it’s so close to LA, there are 10-15 galleries out there now [that display this genre of art].”

That is not to say that his past in the IE didn’t contribute to his art and outlook. He grew up with Maxx Gramajo—they met at Norte Vista High school, and became graffiti buddies. They would paint in LA, Riverside, San Bernardino and Huntington Beach. But it was a different time back then—it was not about tagging, rather more about art. He laughs at these memories, and says, “I used to be all about wearing Hawaiian shirts.” These experiences eventually served him in jumpstarting his career. 

He was on the six-year plan in community college and had been working for Target for two years, when one Christmas season he took a chance. “Marie Jerdie taught me how to do window painting. I did it for two weeks and made $2,000. Before I was making $6 an hour at Target.” Thus began his art career, though slowly, first by doing comics and art for Skratch magazine. He then did some art for record label El Pocho Loco (Voodoo Glow Skulls’ label) as well as t-shirt designs. 

Eventually Regino Gonzales, who went to school with Soto and transferred to New York City, talked Jeff “into going to a good school,” which ended up being the Art College of Design in Pasadena. This put him on the path to creating the familiar art that he is now renowned for, although his style and subjects are always evolving. Some of his recent pieces (such as Night Bomber, featuring a fighter plane with smoke clouds underneath, and a town far below), highlight the war—and not always in a supportive manner. For Jeff, this is “patriotic in a different way—we can say what we want to say and do what we want to do [without fear in America].”

Jeff’s art displays a local element too, with symbols of Riverside often found in his paintings. “I am making fun of the IE sometimes, this weird, eclectic group lives here. Gang members, Goth kids, really rich people, really poor people digging in the trash. People are so proud—why? It seems like people are so into the IE . . . they take it no matter what.”

However, not all areas are like that for Jeff, “Riverside is kind of nice, compared to other areas.” Reflecting on this for a minute, he continues: “Riverside is the jewel of the IE.” This sense can be gleaned in Purple Heart, where roots that appear to represent nature entangle the symbol of the city, showing the struggle of man with nature ubiquitous in Soto’s art, yet all is surrounded by sparkles.

And the IE does have an influence on his art, “the environment I’m in gives me a lot of visual fuel for my art. I love the way the mountains look, and my family keeps me here.” Ultimately it always comes back to his family, his main goal focusing on his daughter, to “keep her safe——it seems like kids have to grow up faster. Sometimes I think times are changing for the worse.” 

One of his major influences growing up was Dayna Mason, who teaches at RCC. “She made me think about what I was painting and have a reason for it. She taught me how to compose a painting. She was strict, but a good teacher.” Other influences included Beatrix Potter—yes the Peter Rabbit one—showing life, how simple and subtle it is, as well as Richard Scarry. 

As for the future, Soto has plenty to keep busy, citing, “a bunch of little shows—the next solo show should be in London. A group show in Brazil with Jonathan Levine, and the second Soto book should be out by July next year [the first was Potato Stamp Dreams, released in 2005]. I only want to do stuff that I feel good about, focus on my fine art first, everything else second.” Sneaking a peak at his to-do list, this includes a possible cartoon, more collaborations, different mediums to work with, more prints—the list is exhausting just reading it. Between the quality of his work, the care that he shows for his family, and beyond that the environment in which he lives, Jeff is the perfect example of what is best about the IE. (Shaun Rosenstein)

Best at Being Real—Etta James

After an embarrassing number of years taking care of countless megawatt celebrities as a VIP server at a ridiculous Hollywood nightclub, there are very few people who make me nervous. Not Brad Pitt, not Dave Grohl, not even Suge Knight.

But I was nervous to the point of making myself sick before I spoke with Riverside’s very own rhythm & blues icon, Etta James, over the phone last week.

First of all, I know that enormously successful stars, ones who have become standards to which everyone else is compared, often have an inflated sense of self, a supra-human notion of their own specialness. Known for her song “At Last” by anyone who has ever gone to a movie, watched television, listened to the radio or attended a prom, James just happens to be one of the greatest of all modern blues, soul, rock & roll, jazz and pop—yes, pop—singers of all time.

With a shockingly long career that continues to be successful—three Grammys, a Lifetime Achievement Award, a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and countless other awards, honors and tributes—it was quite apparent to me that Ms. James, who is very, very cool, would probably find me distinctly not cool. I was also wary of what I would be able to ask her about—the gastric bypass surgery she had in 2003? Her former drug use? The abrupt end to her recent tour with B.B. King and Al Green?

The first thing she says to me after I ask her how she is doing is, “Well, I’m not dead yet so I guess I’m doing all right. You know, some of us know that we could get dead real easily.”

Without any prompting, James then tells me how a few months ago she fell ill from what she thought was complications from her gastric bypass surgery, but what turned out to be a nasty infection that had spread to her brain from an untreated urinary tract infection, a common ailment that is often genetic. She went into the hospital and the next thing she really remembers with clarity is waking up two months later. She remembers hearing her (deceased) mother’s voice say, “You get up from there, Etta. You’re stronger than that.” Later she was told that, while ill, she would have fits of violence and that the hospital staff would tie her arms down, and when she did talk, she “was talking bad.” She compares the experience to her earlier experiences in hospitals and rehab when she was strung out. This illness was also why she had to take a break from her recent tour.

In a few short minutes, James has addressed all the questions I was afraid to ask without my having to ask them. I also happen to know that during her illustrious career she sang with the Grateful Dead, influenced Janis Joplin and did an awesome cover of Prince’s “Purple Rain” on her last album. I think she might possibly be the coolest person, not just in the IE, but on earth.

“I’m just trying to be real with you,” says James. “Everybody already knows this stuff anyway.”

She’s right—they do. But there is an immense power in claiming responsibility for your life, the good, the bad, the amazing and the embarrassing. The story becomes yours to tell.

“Now my head is so clear,” says James, after a couple months of recovery. She has even returned to her tour with B.B. King and Al Green and is feeling better than ever.

But the reason I am speaking with Etta James in the first place is to find out why, when she was born and raised in East Los Angeles and could now live in Beverly Hills or Hollywood or Malibu, James would decide to settle down in the Inland Empire.

“I really love Riverside,” says James, plain and simple. “When I was a kid, I used to spend summers with my grandparents in San Bernardino.” Her grandmother would take her to Riverside’s Victoria Ave. where James would look up at all the big trees that lined the street. She remembers her grandmother saying to her, “Maybe one day when you are grown, you’ll want to live in this town.”

Many years later, when her husband suggested the location, James was fine with it. “I just like the name—Riverside,” says James. “By the side of a river.” She liked the area’s proximity to water, never really having been to Santa Monica as a child, but rather spending summers with her grandparents in a “little, crazy house” by Lake Elsinore.

And by now, everyone in Riverside should know when James is rolling through. All they have to do is look for the Bentley or the white Cadillac with a “pie-crust top.” James is not shy about showing her famous face.

“I should be the damn mayor!” says James. “Everybody knows me. The people at the Wal-Mart, the K-Mart, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Trader Joes, the police, the vets, the doctors—they all know me.” And James likes knowing them. “It’s like living in a country town.”

Although she is a fan of numerous local stores and restaurants, James admits that she doesn’t get out much to the local music venues. But she says that, given the time, she would like to check out In Cahoots, and, in fact, she’d like to do a small, intimate show on their patio.

As to that music career of hers, James is currently finishing a country- and pop-infused rhythm & blues album, featuring “Ashes by Now,” “Misty Blue” and something she wants to keep a surprise. If you ask her what she’s listening to herself right now, she’ll tell you old rhythm & blues icons like Otis Redding, Johnny Taylor, Sam Cook and Jackie Wilson. She also really enjoys country music and just so happens to be a fan of R. Kelly. “He’s got his own little issues,” says James, “but he’s very real. He’s talented.”

When I ask her if she has any advice for the many young musically-inclined IE’ers who litter MySpace and dream of record deals, she says, “This generation seems to be doing a lot of screaming and hollering and walking around. They talk about stuff and grab their crotches. It’s not like when the Stones came, or when Led Zeppelin came. Those guys would grab stuff too, but they had something more.”

It’s not that James is being demure—her first successful song, “Roll With Me Henry,” was banned from the airways for being too suggestive. But she feels that young musicians should take the time to go back and look at the greats, to check out where they were coming from. It was women like Billie Holiday, Sarah Vaughan and Dinah Washington who inspired James.

“Some of [the artists out there right now] are not talented and they won’t make it with just a lot of orangutang-tangin around,” says James, coining a phrase that I know I will use for the rest of my life. “Where is their soul?”

This is a question that a woman like James, who has worked really hard, suffered a lot and then worked harder, has a right to ask.

An interview that was supposed to take 15 minutes turned out to take close to an hour, and at the end of it, Etta James told me she liked talking to me. Maybe I am a little cooler than I thought; but James is definitely the Best at being real in the IE.  (Anna Hirsh)

Best Cheap Mexican Food—Juanita’s

The pork burritos and beef tacos are the most popular menu items at Juanita’s, but you know what customers really go bonkers over? The hot sauce. That’s because, according to an employee, “it’s insane!” Operating out of a tiny shack at the intersection of Indian Hill and San Bernardino in Pomona, Juanita’s doesn’t have lots of aesthetic appeal—it’s a modest walk-up with two patio dining tables—but it does have the hot sauce, prepared fresh every day, and parceled out sparingly in tiny plastic-encased portions that leave you begging for more or paying the five cents (that’s $.05) for extras. In these days of endless salsa bars, it is a bit of a tease. Be advised, though, that Juanita’s does not skimp on the entrees. Long lines at lunchtime attest to their continued popularity, close to 30 years in business now, outlasting many surrounding enterprises that regularly lunched there like Music Plus Records, Blockbuster Video and Radio Shack, while facing stiff fast food competition like nearby In-N-Out Burger. Besides, what else can you buy for a nickel these days? (Kevin Ausmus)

Juanita’s Drive-In, 1735 Indian Hill Blvd., Pomona, (909) 624-1272

Juanita’s II, 1209 E. 4th St., Ontario, (909) 986-0991

Best Place For a Hearty Breakfast

—B C Cafe

Back in the day when B C Cafe was known as Breakfast at Carls and was located on Holt Blvd. in Pomona, their spartan menu included an item called “For the Hearty Appetite.” These days, the B C’s menu comes in a ringed binder, and features scads of tempting choices, nearly all of which qualify as hearty. B C’s is best known for its huge stacks of flapjacks, but you could just as easily choose the $13.99 Country Buffet—it could feed an entire family—or a specialty dish, like the new Pot Roast Omelette. There’s lunch too, but no dinner (if they were to make a movie where you ate B C’s for every meal, you’d have no need for dinner anyway), and if you come weekend mornings, expect a lengthy wait. (Nonparallel digression: take a gawk at the Howard Johnson’s next-door. Yup, Rodney King was arrested there.) B C’s has been family run since 1959, and has a sister location in Rancho Cucamonga. Please be advised that B C’s cheery bunny mascot Kick Back Jack is not on the menu. (Kevin Ausmus) 

B C Café, 701 S Indian Hill Blvd., Claremont, (909) 482-1414

B C Café, 10123 Foothill Blvd., Rancho Cucamonga, (909) 989-1440

Best Sit Down Chinese Food Lunch Specials—Chinese Pavilion

On a regular Tuesday afternoon, we treated ourselves to an assorted vegetables plate with fried rice, fried won ton, egg roll, egg flower soup, tea, water, an intricately-sliced orange and a fortune cookie . . . all for under six bucks! The next week, we swapped the vegetables for moo shoo chicken. The next week, it was a broccoli beef main dish. Get our drift? Lots of great grub, a chill-in-the-deep booth Chinese restaurant environment and a pair of owner/operators who’ll whisk the goods to your seat as fast as humanly possible (average time is about five minutes)—now that’s service. And yeah, they’ll even cook you a set-up to go. (Word to the wise: These specials only last ‘til 3pm) (Waleed Rashidi)

Chinese Pavilion, 1965 Foothill Blvd # M, La Verne; (909) 596-2029

Best Brunch—Café Champagne

Arrive hungry for Café Champagne’s brunch, where the challenge is limiting yourself to your stomach’s capacity, while partaking of as many of the delicious dishes as your wallet can handle. The warm Brie en croute is not to be missed—a perfectly executed cheese-filled pastry, liberally drizzled with a sweet honey-walnut sauce, this dish could easily serve as dessert at the end of the meal. Champagne’s take on the classic Caesar salad is flawless, with handmade croutons that, were it not such a nice restaurant, you’d order a side of by themselves. The decision of which entrée to choose is one worthy of Solomon—all are delicious, necessitating repeat, stomach satiating, credit-limit busting visits again and again (and again). (Shaun Rosenstein)

Café Champagne, Thorton Winery, 32575 Rancho California Rd., Temecula; (951) 699-0099; http://www.thorntonwine.com

Best Place to Wash a Banger Down with a Black-and-Tan—Killarney’s

What, exactly, is a banger? Some guy with a teardrop tattoo and brightly colored bandana who you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley on a bet? Paris Hilton? Your ex-wife’s attorney? 

A baby-poo-brown British sausage whose primary ingredients are flour and water? 

If you’re a fan of the latter, may we suggest you check out Killarney’s Restaurant & Irish Pub, which opened earlier this year in Riverside Plaza. The joint offers a selection of imported beers that would cause Dylan Thomas to salivate in his grave, as well as a menu of foods of a decidedly U.K. persuasion.

If you’re unfamiliar with British cuisine, you should know that there’s a reason why those jolly wee folk across the Pond had so much trouble holding on to their beloved empire. It’s because their food, with a few notable exceptions, totally and completely sucks. With apologies to Elton John and Hugh Laurie, it’s true: The reason why America exists today is, not because of all that annoying taxation without representation, but because the colonists couldn’t stand one more day of eating those dreadful kidney pies.

Killarney’s, however, isn’t really British (or Irish). It’s a theme chain, an affectation if you will, and so the cuisine it dishes up doesn’t really suck. In fact, some of the items on the menu are actually pretty good. The aforementioned bangers, served atop a heaping plate of mash—that’s Tory for mashed potatoes—is quite acceptable, particularly when washed down with mouthfuls of black-and-tan. A black-and-tan is, for you Mormons out there, a frothy pint of beer, half of which is Guinness Stout (the darker, floating half) and the other half Bass Ale (the lighter bottom).

The only problem with enjoying a banger-and-mash and black-and-tan at Killarney’s is, as far as we can tell, the presence of all those 20-something yahoos who like to get drunk there. Lots of pony-tailed, mustached assholes and lots of potent potables on tap—a dangerous combination, to be sure. Just keep your head down and avoid loud conversations about politics and religion, and you’ll do fine.

Killarney’s Restaurant and Irish Pub, 3639 Riverside Plaza Drive, Ste. 532, Riverside; (951) 787-1133; Open from 11am to midnight Sunday through Thursday, and from 11am to 1am Friday and Saturday.

Best Chicken Strips—Redlands Underground

One of the grooviest IE eateries is not only unbelievably excellent . . . it’s underground. Below the main floor level of the historical Cope Building in Redlands, you’ll find the most delicious chicken strips around, at the hip restaurant hot spot, Redlands Underground. Patrick Poncho Visgilio and his wife, Yogini, opened RU last November, as their tasty solution to providing first-rate, hearty food at a reasonable price and presto, it’s an instant classic. One of RU’s biggest assets was Executive Chef, Vincent Hernandez, who collaborated with the Visgilios to design a flavorful menu with a delectable blend of Italian favorites and good ol’ American fare. One of the most popular items is RU’s chicken strips. Battered in-house, in a panko breadcrumb batter and seasoned with the Underground’s signature secret spice mix, the strips are accompanied by your choice of dipping sauces: spicy buffalo, ranch, RU’s own honey mustard recipe or avocado cilantro lime sauce. Best time to check it Happy Hour! Every Monday-Friday from 4pm-6pm, the chicken strips (as well as the rest of the appetizer menu) are 50% off. Can’t beat that! (Jinxi Caddel)

Redlands Underground, 19 E. Citrus Ave., Redlands, (909) 798-1500

Best Airport Diner—Flo’s Airport Café

The first clue you’re dining in a unique location is the framed pictures of cows on the wall. When you realize the pictures are advertisements for bull semen, how could you not unloosen your belt for a fine country meal? Such is the atmosphere at Flo’s Airport Café. For years customers have flocked here to gorge on “Flo’s Famous” Biscuits and Gravy as well as their roughly two-dozen varieties of homemade pies. Then there is the Flo’s vibe. One glance at the regular assortment of truckers, bikers, farmers, aviators, and good old country boy clientele and you can see why Flo’s is a cult favorite, despite its decidedly remote location at Chino Airport, wedged in between dairy farms (the brace of cow manure in the air is a freebie) and a stone’s throw from the Chino Institution for Men. And if you have any inclination to stop by at the Planes of Fame Air Museum after breakfast, you can make a day of it. So moo-ve it on over to Flo’s! (Kevin Ausmus)

Flo’s Airport Café, 7000 Merrill Ave., Chino, (909) 597-3416

Flo’s No. 2, 5650 Riverside Dr., Chino, (909) 628-0818

Best Cheap Chinese Food—Rising Savor

Good cheap Chinese food must fulfill several criteria: 

1) It has to taste almost, but not quite, like true ethnic Chinese cuisine. Too much fish paste or ginger root and you find yourself worrying how much this fancy foreign fare will set you back. Too few fresh vegetables and fiery red peppers and you wind up distracted by concerns of botulism and ptomaine poisoning.

2) It has to be fast, hot, and on display. What’s the fun of going out for cheap Chinese if you can’t point at the entrees you want from behind a sneeze guard?

3) It has to be cheap. Let those idiots over in Westwood pay $20 for a plate of sweet-and-sour. Here in the IE, we appreciate the value of a buck.

Fortunately, Rising Savor on Chicago Avenue in Riverside meets all the above criteria, and—despite the threat of indigestion its name suggests—it meets them with great gusto. The product of three generations of Asian chefs, Rising Savor serves up delicious, eminently digestible and shockingly affordable cuisine—and it does so fast and furiously. Try the Savory Chicken—saffron-gold globules of juicy white meat, flash fried and coated with a piquant sauce that goes right up the edge of being too spicy without tumbling over—and you’ll wonder how on earth the place stays in business charging so little for so much quality. No, don’t think. That’ll take your mind of the Lunar New Year celebration going off in your mouth. Let us reveal the secret to Rising Savor’s success:  Repeat business. Those who know, know that this is the place to go if you want cheap Chinese done right.

Rising Savor, 3852 Chicago Ave., Riverside; (951) 787-1133; Open 11am to 9pm, Monday through Saturday.

Best Indian Food—Punjab Palace

If you’re at a restaurant and you want to rub your food all over yourself, that’s a good sign you’ve found something. When you want to do it every single time you eat there, with everything you taste, that’s a sign from the gods. Punjab Palace in Riverside is like that. They prepare northern Indian food, with lots of wonderful yogurt-based sauces. Nearly every main dish comes in your choice of beef, chicken, or lamb with mild, medium or spicy curry levels. If you’re not a meat eater, you can always have any of the wonderful and amazing vegetarian dishes. Meat eater or vegetarian, you have to get lots of naan—the warm thin bread. Especially the garlic naan. The best items on the menu? The chicken malai or the lamb vindaloo, both extra spicy. Be warned, though, the curry is addictive—you’ll want to go every week and rub it all over yourself. We say, go ahead. It’s just that good. (Sharon Burton)

Pubjab Palace, 10359 Magnolia Ave., Riverside, (951) 351-8968

Best Vegan Food—Veggie Era 

Vegans and vegetarians know that eating out can sometimes be problematic, as choices are frequently reduced to deciding which salad to order. If this dilemma sounds familiar, look no further than Veggie Era, the terrifically tasty vegan cuisine restaurant. Serving up their savory Chinese, Thai and Indonesian dishes, there’s plenty to choose from on this enticing menu. Start with a delicious Egg-Less Roll or the Curry Potato Soup, made with veggies, curry and coconut milk. Two house specialties are the deep-fried California Chick’n-Less or the Harmony Tofu: a delightful sautee, including tofu, bell pepper and onion. With five kinds of fried rice to choose from and their famous noodle side dishes, it’s tricky to leave room for dessert, but you deserve to splurge on the Black Forest Cheesecake or Vegan Smoothie with these low fat/no cholesterol recipes. (Jinxi Caddel)

Veggie Era, 903-B West Foothill Blvd., Upland, (909) 982-3882

Best Sushi Made By a White Boy—Kishi

Kishi Japanese Restaurant is the real deal, if by real deal you mean you need to know a secret word to get the especially authentic stuff—the sushi extraordinaire, an indulgence saved for the bona fide sushi aficionado. And don’t be put off by the white guy in the headband behind the plexiglass. That’s the head sushi chef who has 12 years under his sushi jacket belt, and while he is not Japanese, he has the full respect of his Japanese heritage underlings. The guy even kind of speaks with a bit of a staccato Japanese twang, complete with sumo-style grunts. We have no idea what that is all about, but domo arigato, wax on, wax off Danielson. Even those who squirm at the thought of eating raw fish can delight in the sushi bar selection. Try the traditional veggie roll—we don’t know what the hell is in it. It’s not fish, and it’s not mango. But it is delish. (Arrissia Owen-Turner)

Kishi Japanese Restaurant, 320 West Foothill Boulevard, Upland, (909) 981-1770

Best Sashimi—Shogun

Sure, we remember making the hour-plus trek to Pasadena just to reach our favorite sashimi destination, Shogun. But as of a few years ago, that’s no longer the case, as the restaurant has rapidly expanded to cover locations throughout the Inland Empire. With a Shogun destination now within easy reach, getting some great (and totally fresh) sashimi isn’t that much of a hassle anymore. In fact, for the fastest service, ask for seating at the sushi bar, where their friendly, knowledgeable chefs will slice and dice while you wait. Best of all, Shogun’s got one of the cheapest menus around, making your Japanese dining experience infinitely more pleasant. (Waleed Rashidi)

Shogun, 2123 Foothill Blvd., La Verne, (909) 596-9393

Shogun, 275 Teller Street, #130, Corona, (951) 737-3888

Shogun, 41501 Margarita Road, Temecula, (951) 296-9133

Best Free Sample—El Taco Nazo

The best thing about El Taco Nazo has nothing to do with tortillas or meat or cheese: it is all about the free samples not even listed on the menu. Not that the rest of the food isn’t great (it is), but there is something addicting about their free fried peppers, left out in the open for all to enjoy. Like the realization of some utopian ideal, the never-ending supply of appetizers are light green in color, and these slightly spicy veggies are mixed in salt and lemon, then browned just a little to perfection. The only problem with the tasty freebies is that they tend to go fast, although the sight of the lunchtime crowd pretending to be politely waiting, but truly barely containing their salivating impatience, makes your own agonizing wait almost worth it. (Shaun Rosenstein)

26491 Ynez Rd, Temecula, (951) 296-2164; www.senorbajarestaurant.com/index.htm

Best Noodles in the Empire

Ken’s Japanese Restaurant in Rancho Cucamonga is something of a big secret outside Rancho and surrounding cities, and for good reason. For one, it’s tucked away on a particularly dark stretch of Foothill Boulevard—unless you’re looking for it, you wouldn’t know it’s there. Then there are the hours of operation. We don’t know this “Ken”—whether he’s an actual person or a figment of someone’s imagination—but we suspect he got into the restaurant business by way of the federal witness protection program.

Ken’s is seemingly never open. Stop by at 3pm on any business day and you’re met by a locked door and an abandoned parking lot. Swing by on any given Sunday and you’ll find...a locked door and abandoned parking lot. Try looking the restaurant up on the Internet, and you’ll find references to it—usually in the form of rave reviews from satisfied customers—but it doesn’t have a website and doesn’t appear to be officially listed anywhere. Call information, and you’ll be connected to a phone number that rings and rings (and rings), and, should anyone ever answer, it’s usually someone who speaks just enough English to tell you to call back later. 

That’s both the problem and beauty of Ken’s:  It doesn’t seem to want new business, probably for the perfectly good reason that it doesn’t need it. On the off chance that you do arrive at Ken’s and find it open, you’ll discover a thriving business with customers lined up at the sushi bar and huddled around each and every table, and teams of harried food servers rushing around like they were on fire. Ken’s, for all its mystery, is one hell of a good restaurant. The food is outstanding. The prices are reasonable. The atmosphere, in all its traditional Japanese glory, is a wonder to behold.

We can go on and on about the various delights to be found on Ken’s elaborate menu. But suffice it to say that you’ve just got to try to soft-shell crab and the ramen -- pork ramen, vegetable ramen, pork and vegetable ramen, it doesn’t matter. It’s all good. If there’s any problem at all with the food, it’s that no matter how generous the portions -- and the portions are, indeed, quite generous -- you’ll find yourself wanting more.

Now if we can just convince this Ken to open the damn place every now and then. (David Silva)

Ken’s Japanese Restaurant, 10006 Foothill Blvd., Rancho Cucamonga, (909) 989-3019. Whether someone answers depends on how long you plan to live. Open—is anyone’s guess.

Best Pizza—The Gourmet Pizza Shop

Ever thought of a pizza topping only to find out that Domino’s or Pizza Hut won’t support it? Can’t bear to experiment with pizza baking in your own kitchen, lest something go wrong and your home be infested with a putrid stench wafting about for the next three years? Then a trip to the Gourmet Pizza Company is in definite order. Not only do they offer an outstanding variety, but their proven recipes promise one of the greatest pizza pounding experiences. The atmosphere’s stellar, as is their Noah’s Ark list of toppings and prodigious pizza possibilities. For example, their “Wild Mayan” sports peanut butter, bacon, red onion, mozzarella cheese and cholula sauce. Yeah, we weren’t kidding! (Waleed Rashidi)

Gourmet Pizza Shop, 120 E. State St., Redlands, (909) 792-3313

Best Fine Dining—Mario’s Place

Mario’s is all vibe. More than your typical culinary experience, on Friday and Saturday nights there a jazz band warming the atmosphere and the amount of thought and attention that goes into each meal at Mario’s Place borders on obsession. But hey, Chef Leon Pelagi is a sort of wizard behind the flames. If it’s on the specialty menu, try it. If the waiter mentions Chef’s special at all, do not balk. Here is an artist who takes personal pride in his dishes. The pan-roasted Australian lamb chops and the Scottish salmon “al Cartoccio” are can’t miss items on the regular menu, both are exquisitely prepared. Mario’s has a wide assortment of wines and top-shelf liquors for those who like to imbibe, and a cigar patio. It’s fine dining without the tood, dude. Thursday nights DJ Wright is spinning.

Mario’s Place Restaurant, 3646 Mission Inn Ave., Riverside, (951) 684-7755; www.mariosplace.com; Reservations are recommended.

Best Ridiculous Portions—Anthony’s

If you lunch at Anthony’s you will need three things: A) An appetite like Takera Kobayashi’s, B) a pocket rag to wipe away driplets of sweat and C) time after for a nap. Besides the heap of salad with shredded mozarella cheese and the buttery breadsticks that show up unannounced, there’s the meat-packed Stromboli, and the inch-thick pizza, and the spaghetti, served by the pound. Beautifully, Anthony’s is relatively quiet as an undiscovered gem in Corona. This could be because A) people are dying from over-consumption, B) the bread sticks to thighs conversion ratio is faster than any metabolism or C) people just don’t know what they’re missing. The answer, of course, is C—Anthony’s is a glutton’s paradise. (Braxton Leeds)

Anthony’s Pizza & Pasta, 13100 Magnolia Ave., Corona, (951) 279-6960

Best Pastries—Valle d’Brume

When you desire the culinary mastery of French desserts without the stereotypical snooty attitude often associated with the experience (Avenue Q’s “ethnic jokes may be uncouth, but you laugh because they’re based on truth” comes to mind), look no further than Valle d’Brume. While any choice is going to leave you moaning inappropriately in public out of appreciation, the best of the best is the Neapolitan pastry. It has a flakey crust yet still maintains a fluffy texture throughout, all of which is holding together the sweet filling. With a case full of cakes and mousses, each more tempting than the next, leave your calorie-guilt at the door, and have a gym membership ready upon exiting the building. (Shaun Rosenstein)

41413 Margarita Road, Suite 101, Temecula, (951) 491-0930, www.valleedbrume.com/

Best Smore’s—Cosi

The idea of having an indoor campfire makes my inner child jump up, clap his hands, run around in circles, and embarrassingly, pee just a little. Cosi makes these childhood dreams come true, with its mouth-watering smore’s spread. There are two varieties to choose from, the classic graham cracker, or the oversized oreo cookie (my favorite). The implements for this dessert come in a bowl, with each element (marshmallow, sticks, chocolate, cracker/cookie) in its own little section, and a can of sterno in the center. Once that hypnotic blue flame is lit, time loses meaning, and conversation flows easily.  The construction process is the perfect activity to do while spending some quality time getting to know that tattooed pyro rocker boy you never had a reason to ask out before. (Shaun Rosenstein)

Cosi, 41493 Margarita Rd., Temecula, (951) 296-6208; www.getcosi.com

Best Place to Get Your Sugar Fix—The Thinnery

Diabetes sucks. Really sucks. But you know what sucks worse? Dying, or maybe losing a limb. So quit your bitching and find alternatives, like the Thinnery—it’s a sugar-free bakery that specializes in delicious desserts designed for diabetics. And if you’re a fatty, or even a borderline fatty, or even a non-fatty-who-thinks-he-or-she-is-a-fatty, delight in your diabetic friends’ sugarless sweets sanctuary. There are brownies, bundt cakes, soft-serve frozen stuff and other baked goodies, and they’re mostly low fat (some even fat-free!) and cholesterol-free. And for you Weight Watchers, points are calculated. (Arrissia Owen-Turner)

The Thinnery, 651 W Foothill Blvd., Upland, (909) 981-7810

Best Cupcakes—Lindmair Baker

It’s practically impossible not to smile when you spy a cupcake. These delightful little dreamboats of the baking industry are all the rage in sweetshops. What’s not to love? Cupcakes are a perfect pick for parties—convenient and tasty; they are just the right serving size for one, require no forks, knives or plates and can be transported with ease. IE residents can trust their cupcake cravings to Lindmair Bakery in Riverside. This family-owned business has been baking up fresh goods for over since the 1950s. Located in Palm Square Center, stop by to order up their delicious white or chocolate cupcake confections topped with a scrumptious buttercream frosting—and offered at a bargain price of only $8.99 a dozen! These dainty baked delicacies will keep you coming back for more and indulging in these satisfying little yummies on a regular basis. The cookies at Lindmair are also genius—but that will be for next year’s Best Of. (Jinxi Caddel)

Lindmair Bakery, 9230 Magnolia Ave., Riverside, (951) 688-2131; www.lindmairbakery.com

Best Ice Cream—Bert & Rocky’s

Go ahead and scream. Bert & Rocky’s Cream Company is big on ice cream, but the company also offers other stuff like colorful confections and dipped candy apples. Fancy a drink? Try the champagne or merlot sorbet, available by special order, or for the zen-inspired—go for the low-carb green tea. There’s also a soda fountain stand, and the Big Bear root beer float is the best you’ll ever have. And when we say, “It’s all good,” you better well believe we mean every last bit of it—especially the peppermint ice cream! (Arrissia Owen-Turner)

Bert & Rocky’s, 360 W Foothill Blvd., Upland, (909) 946-6805

Bert & Rocky’s, 242 Yale Ave., Claremont, (909) 625-1852.

Best Cookies and Bearclaws—Some Crust Bakery

Our growling, sugar-sensing stomachs have taken us to many a bakery in the Inland Empire, including a few in the city of Claremont. But like a gastrointestinal carrier pigeon (yeah, we made that up), our appetites always find their way home into the Some Crust Bakery in the Claremont Village. Walk by and you’ll instantly catch a whiff of some of the greatest sweet treats on the planet, including their put-‘em-in-this-mouth-right-now, wide-ranging palette of delectable cookies and bountiful, fresh-from-the-oven bearclaws. Granted, the bakery offers all kinds of other consumables that are worth your while (scones, sweetrolls, pies, etc.), but their cookies (snickerdoodles, pumpkin chocolate chip, butterball, etc.) and almond-pasted bearclaws, especially if chomped down in moderation, are a sure bet for bliss. (Waleed Rashidi)

Some Crust Bakery, 119 Yale Avenue, Claremont, (909) 621-9772

Best Monday Night Drink Specials—Deane’s

Deane’s Of Cucamonga isn’t your average hole-in-the-wall; it’s a cosmic tear through the fabric of space and time where all the goodness of the (legal) universe flows like an excellent simile. From the non-descript building to the kitschy glowing bar décor, this place is about as unpretentious as you can get, and it’s patrons are real-life hapless barflys that could’ve easily been dredged up from the depths of Bukowski’s imagination, as opposed to poser hipsters eager to languish in some dive bar’s ironic cool. And Deane’s has dedicated Monday night to the paycheck-impaired. On that special alms-for-poor-drunks day the bar serves all drinks at half price. That makes your Newcastles and Cape Cods a little less than $3 bucks. The bar also serves a host of it’s own economy drinks invented by Deane’s stable of excellent behind the bar talent—like the Ghetto Blaster, which is kind of like an imitation Jäger Bomb, but at $1.50 do you really care if it’s made with bottom-shelf booze?—that are easy on the wallet, but not necessarily the stomach. (Phil Fuller)

Deane’s Of Cucamonga, 8108 San Bernardino Rd., Rancho Cucamonga, (909) 608-1134.

Best Authentic Bri’ish Pub—The Royal Falconer

Woody is the genuine Yorkshire lad behind the ale-pump—er, draught handles—at the Royal Falconer, and it’s his pleasure to knock you off your fookin trolly. One of the biggest differences between British pubs and American Taverns is that the former encourages families and lunchtime pints (which is to say, there are less neurotic complexes to sort out in the British manner). With a bar that stretches the entire length of the pub, lots of dark woods, red brick, emerald greens and paintings of Henry VIII, this is the closest you’ll come to the Frog & Firken without hopping the pond. The jukebox at the Falconer is chock full of tight-pants’d blokes—The Who’s “My Generation” sounds ten times better in the pub eviron, and suddenly there’s no longer any question as to what Roger Daltrey’s on about—and the Scotch eggs are right up there with those you’d find at Fortnum & Mason. If you are all about bopping off for a swift half, or a pint of Tetleys—or loads of Smithwick’s—the Falconer couldn’t be a more inviting place to jolly up, befriend strangers and develop an English accent better than Madonna’s. Happy hour offers select $3 appetizers. (Braxton Leeds)

The Royal Falconer British Pub & Restaurant, 106 Orange Street, Redlands, (909) 307-8913.

The Royal Falconer, 4281 Main Street, Riverside, (951) 684-4281; www.royalfalconerca.com

Best DIY Urban Winery—Canyon Crest Winery

The only winery in Riverside is the Canyon Crest Winery, and it’s more of teaching institution for would-be vintners than it is a traditional winery. Though there’s nary a grapevine in sight, nor a farmer (all “must” is brought in via refrigerated trucks), there are proprietors Kevin and Carolyn Craig to help you learn the delicate craft of making a merlot, and a few carboys and oaken casks in the back aging those fine contents. You can create your own wine labels, learn of yeasts and musts and precipitations, use the pneumatic corker, bottle your own batch—in short, become your own vintner. Or, you can simply purchase wine (by the bottle or the case), accessories, cigars (there’s a small humidor), or gift baskets—sort of like a walk-in website. The tasting room is elegant, and you can sample five wines for five dollars. There’s a flat-screen television for your amusement, and the feel of Italy creeping up the vines. Beats the hell out of two-buck Chuck! (Braxton Leeds)

Canyon Crest Winery, 5225 Canyon Crest Dr., Riverside, (951) 369-WINE; www.americaneagleriverside.com

Best Cosmopolitan—The Market Broiler

Ah, the Cosmopolitan—that sweet vodka cocktail of cranberry-flavored deliciousness. Only true aficionados of this delightful libation really know how difficult—nigh, impossible—it is to find a good one this side of the Alleghenies. Ask your run-of-the-mill Inland bartender for a Cosmo, and chances are you’ll get little more than a plastic martini glass disgraced with cranberry juice and a splash of Smirnoff’s (but with that cute lemon curlicue and swizzle stick to justify the $9-a-pop bar bill).

There is hope. For those who aren’t adverse to noise, crowds and the omnipresent stench of fried seafood, the Market Broiler on Merrill Avenue in Riverside makes what may very well be the finest Cosmopolitan in the IE. It helps that the restaurant’s bar is something of an afterthought, with barely enough stools to seat a delegation of black American governors. In other words, no one’s really paying attention to the joint’s semi-crazed bartenders, who—bless their demented souls—have learned over the years that the stronger the drink, the bigger the tip. These mad scientists know the precise ratio of vodka, cranberry juice, Cointreau, etc., and the exact number of times to shake the “tecnhicolor martini” to give it that icy-smooth consistency that’s—ahhh—just right. Be forewarned, however: Just one of the Broiler’s Perfect Cosmos and you’re over the legal limit, bud. (David Silva)

The Market Broiler, 6104 Riverside Ave., Suite B, Riverside; (951) 276-9007; Open from 11am to 11pm Monday through Wednesday and Friday and Saturday, and from 11am to 10pm Sunday and Thursday.

Best Martini—The Vault

In your granpappy’s day there were two types of Martinis—one with gin, and one with vodka. But, as with most things, there are now manifold versions of the drink favored by James Bond, Richard Nixon, and that obnoxious guy down at the end of the bar. Whether you’re going for the straight “shaken not stirred” variety or an apple, cherry, chocolate or “dirty” version, The Vault is the shiznet. This isn’t just because the martinis are great, though they are, but also because you can slug them down in one of the coolest bars in the area. Sitting in the courtyard, which snakes around the building like a corridor, listening to one of the many great local bands that play here and with a martini stem at an angle, one can get the feeling they’re not in Redlands anymore. And, no offense to Redlands, but that sort of transportation can be a good thing. (Bill Gerdes)

The Vault Martini Bar & Grill, 20 E. Vine Street, Redlands, (909) 798-2399

Best Acai Berry and Spirulina Smoothy—Sprouts Natural Market

Acai berries and spirulina are hard to find, but Sprouts Natural Market makes a killer smoothie out of them. Forgetting that the drink is healthy is easy after the first sip. In fact, all of their disgustingly healthy-sounding smoothies are great. Acai berries contain Omega 6 and 9 oils and are a rich source of antioxidants, according to a 2006 University of Florida study. The market does more than blend obscure fruits into smoothies. Sprouts Natural Market is a full-service organic grocery store, including a deli, a butcher shop, a bakery and a salad bar. The market specializes in obscure health foods and supplements. (Peter Surowski)

Sprouts Natural Market, 40458 Winchester Road, Temecula, (951) 296-3444.

Best Microbrew—Raxx Barbecue & Brewing Company

Looking for a primo pint, schooner or pitcher of microbrew suds? Then be sure to stop off at the best in the business, Raxx Barbecue & Brewing Company in downtown Riverside. With six microbrews on tap, Raxx’s brewing process is hands-on—processing hops and barleys on premises, so customers can watch the magic happen through a 12-foot window. That is, they can watch the fermentation vessels sit there with that sort of buzzed fascination that gets in the blood stream with the beer. The Raxx Pale Ale (5.6%) is a staple; the Blonde Lager (4.5%) is perfect for the light beer aficionado. The Hefeweizen (4.5%), made with California wheat, is a cloudy splendor with a sliver of lemon, and makes for a good summer selection. However, the brewery’s bestseller, the Indian Pale Ale (6%), is even hoppier than the Pale, with good aroma, flavor and body. For a sweeter, medium-bodied beer with a malty finish, go for the Amber Ale (5%); or for all-out rich, dark, smooth flavor, you can’t go wrong with the Raxx Porter; the oats in this beer give it a creamier body and coffee-like aftertaste. This is also a barbecue joint, so the finger-licking ribs or BBQ Bacon Wrapped Shrimp are beer-drinkers fare, but also heaven for a teetotaler. (Jinxi Caddel)

Raxx Barbecue & Brewing Company, 3397 Mission Inn Ave., Riverside, (951) 784-2739

Best Latte Art That’s Become a Lost Art—Café Bravo

The art of the rosetta is almost lost, but the baristas at Café Bravo are some of the remaining few in the IE that can do it. And they do it right. A rosetta is a kind of art made with a latte. Ryan Dalton, the stores owner and operator, first pours the espresso, then textures the milk. The trick is in the wrist as he pours the milk into the espresso, slowly tilting the cup. The milk floats to surface, creating a flower-like design which differs in every mug. It’s an amazing art, and it’s one of a kind. The art was once—and in Italy still is—very common in coffeehouses. But the rise of chain and drive-thru cafés in America has been the coup de grâce to its practice. These coffeehouses have given us, however, something new in its place: the word “egg-spresso.” (Peter Surowski)

Café Bravo, 41911 Fifth Street, Temecula; (951) 491-7790; www.cafebravo.com

Best Boba—Ten Ren’s Tea Time

Ten Ren’s Tea Time stands out not just for its edgy-cute waitresses, or taste bud tempting eats, but its boba is by far the best in the IE. Achieving that perfect balance of sweet and fruity usually found only on Planet Unicorn (episode 3, YouTube it people!), Ten Ren’s boba is delicious without being gut-bursting. The texture is chewy and light, and each tea comes perfectly proportioned. I recommend getting the large balls, not just because as an American, bigger is always better, but the small boba lose a bit of the chewyness that makes the drink satisfying, and fun. Open late with a full menu and a cozy ambiance to enjoy your snacks and dessert-flavored drinks, Ten Ren’s is the perfect excuse to procrastinate, so grab an early study break and satisfy that craving that you never knew you had! (Shaun Rosenstein)

Ten Ren’s Tea Time, 1400 University Avenue, Riverside; (951) 686-5597

Best Ink Slingers—Six Feet Under

You’ve seen the show, and if you didn’t know already, now you do. Upland Tattoo artist Corey Miller has gone Hollywood. The owner of Six Feet Under Tattoo in downtown Upland is the lone male at Kat Von D’s High Voltage Tattoo, a.k.a. “L.A. Ink.” But beyond the glamour of reality TV is the little-tattoo-shop-that-could, and that has for 10 years straight, give the best ink around. Aside from Mr. Famous Tattoo Artist Who Chickened Out On Getting A Vasectomy On Fricken National TV, there are a group of artists that Miller has raised like his own sons: Henry Powell, Larry Garcia and Scott (just Scott, he’s mysterious like that). (Arrissia Owen-Turner)

Six Feet Under, 116 N. 2nd Ave., Upland, (909) 949-0157; www.sixfeetunder.com

Best Dog Trainer—Bad Dogs Inc

Barbara Davis, based out of Corona, has run Bad Dogs Inc. for four years but she’s been training dogs all her life. “The old paradigm was a master/slave relationship,” she says, “but the new methods are more like a parent/child relationship, working within the parameters of the dog’s cognitive development.” The new methods are also just easier on you and your dog. You don’t have to hurt your pooch to teach him new tricks. These methods require patience, time, and effort but they help the dog want to behave properly because that’s what the dog gets rewarded for. For example, if your dog pulls on the leash when you walk him, stop walking. Stare at the sky until the dog stops pulling on the leash. Then start walking again. As soon as he pulls, stop again. It takes about three walks for the dog to figure out that if he wants to walk—and he wants to walk because walking is really fun—then he mustn’t pull on the leash. Imagine if we all were trained to do the good stuff because the good stuff was rewarded? Would any of us be Republicans then? (Sharon Burton)

BADDogsInc LLC, PO Box 78063, Corona, CA 92877-0135, (951) 283-2101 or (866) LUV-A-DOG; info@baddogsinc.com

Best Vet—Victoria Animal Hospital in Riverside

Dr. Daryl Robinson, the veterinarian at Victoria Animal Hospital, is a calm guy. He’s calm when your dog has blown out her knee and needs him to rebuild it; he’s calm when your cat has a badly infected bite that needs surgery to clean it; he’s calm when your puppy pees on him. He’s just a calm guy about everything. This calmness is good, if you’re the slightly hysterical type about your animals. It’s comforting to hear him calmly explain the science (complete with a model of a dog’s knee that he just happened to have in his pants pocket) of why and how your dog blew out her knee and how he’s going to fix it. He did fix her knee. And was quite calm when she tried to bite him after she healed up. Of course he was. (Sharon Burton)

Victoria Animal Hospital, 3400 Arlington Avenue, Riverside,  (951) 683-7133

Best Birthday Party Throwers—Sky High Party Zone

Playgrounds offer the best place to throw a child’s birthday party. Unless, that is, said child was born in July, August or September. Then sliding becomes a 140-degree descent into pain. During this time of year an indoor playground is ideal for birthday parties, and Sky High Party Zone throws the best kids parties in the IE. During a typical party, the children play in their 9,000 square-foot playground for two hours, and then have a pizza party replete with streamers, balloons and goodie bags. The best part is the parents can leave the mess behind. (Peter Surowski)

For more information visit www.skyhighpartyzone.com or call (951) 304-9727

Best, Most Honest Car Mechanics in the IE—Top Dawg

In the interest of full disclosure, we need to tell you a story: A certain writer for a certain alternative newspaper once had an old Honda Civic that simply refused to start. The writer took the car to a certain local mechanic with a reputation for being able to fix anything. The mechanic looked at the car and scratched his head and worked on it for a week, replacing the starter and the alternator before pronouncing the problem fixed and charging the writer a positively criminal amount of money for labor and parts. The writer drove the car home, parked it, and when he tried to start it later the same day, it wouldn’t start. He took it back to the mechanic, who kept the car for two more weeks, replacing the battery and various wires and fuses and, ultimately, the transmission. Again, he pronounced the Honda fixed and, again, he charged the writer an insane amount of money. The writer drove the car home, parked it, tried to start it later, and it wouldn’t start.

This process repeated itself over the next four months until, finally, the writer told the mechanic off and, at the suggestion of a friend, had the damned vehicle towed to Top Dawg Auto Shop in Riverside. The mechanic on duty, who knew that the writer knew nothing about cars and that the other mechanic had made a lot of money off this fact, looked at the Honda and scratched his head and said, “This screw is loose. I can’t imagine how the other mechanic could have missed that.” He tightened the screw, and the Honda Civic has been running like a charm ever since. For his services, the Top Dawg mechanic charged—nothing. “It was just a screw,” he said. “You should know that your radiator has a leak, though. You can still drive it for a while, but, eventually, you’re gonna want to get that fixed.”

That’s all you need to know about Top Dawg, which this writer has been patronizing ever since. If your car has the temerity to break down on you, hope and pray that it breaks down in front of Top Dawg—the most honest, decent and qualified auto shop in the Inland Empire that we know. (David Silva)

Top Dawg, 4380 Market Street, Riverside; (951) 686-6828; Open 8am to 6pm, Monday through Friday, and 8am to noon Saturday.

Best Little Recording Studio That’s Tracked Some Big Names— Lo-Fi

Studios

If you’ve heard of Alien Ant Farm, Cracker or The Bellrays, you’ve obviously had a pulse and at least one functioning eardrum over the past decade. Recording engineer Maria Baglien knows the aforementioned quite well—in fact, so well, that she’s recorded these acts (or members of) while at the helm of Lo-Fi Studios since its inception as a tiny eight-track closet lodged amidst downtown Redlands. Now a thoroughly modern facility with plenty of stretching room, Lo-Fi’s been playing host to both well knowns and plenty of up-and-comers. So if you wanna know what’s the next big thing in the IE, just ask her. She’s probably cuttin’ their album, like, right now. (Waleed Rashidi)

Located in Loma Linda, (909) 335-1808, www.myspace.com/lofistudio

Best New Record Label—Longhair Illuminati Records

Casket Salesmen front man Phil Pirrone and Nate Lindeman are busy guys. Not only has he found time to leave his former band, A Static Lullaby, with current guitarist Nate Lindeman, but also the two managed to form the Casket Salesmen, constantly tour and start Longhair Illuminati records. The label boasts head-trippy rock bands that actually rock with a straight up feel that could be corny like Wolfmother if it wasn’t so damn good. The label also plays host to intricate jazz-punks Mongoloid, the light and falsetto Mythmaker and high energy prog-rockers Your Highness Electric. The label even has an incestuous pool of side projects that the various bands are involved with that range from “something you can work out really hard to, or something that people would take ecstasy to,” to bluesy reggae. Kind of makes you wonder when these guys find time to do anything but grow their hair. (Phil Fuller)

For more info visit: www.longhairilluminati.com

Best Nondiscriminatory All-Age Venue—The Showcase Theatre

Mohawks of all shapes, sizes and colors unite! If you are looking for the best in punk shows at any age, look no further than the one and only Showcase Theatre in Corona. You can’t grab a beer at the club, but you can catch high-energy shows on a regular basis, mosh or chill with your friends. Owned and operated by long-time local music supporter, Ezzat Soliman, the Showcase embodies all that is cool and necessary in the venue world for upcoming bands, while still providing the established and professional scene for old-timers too. Cruise by on any Friday or Saturday night (and occasional weeknights as well) and you’ll catch a glimpse of the kids waiting for the well-booked punk, hardcore and metal music lineups inside. Local legends The Voodoo Glowskulls will appropriately be gracing the stage on Halloween night, and the Showcase is privy to a few rock-em/sock-em Battle of the Bands affairs. The layout of the theatre offers excellent accessibility and clear visibility of the stage—and the sound system here is pro. (Jinxi Caddel)

The Showcase Theatre, 683 South Main Street, Corona, (951) 276-7770; www.showcasetheatre.com

Best Place to Play Darts (While Watching International Soccer)—Black

Watch Pub

Let’s face it, the Black Watch Pub in Upland is not going to win any awards for decor—its most modern feature may be the video poker game or the CD jukebox. But just wait until the big match between Chelsea and Manchester United, that’s where the Black Watch shines! Distinctly British in every way, the Black Watch taps Bass, Guinness and Boddington’s and has a few Yank beers as well. When famished you can nosh on fish and chips, Shepherd’s pie or bangers and mash. Or let’s say darts is your game. The Black Watch boasts real dartboards. Real chalk. Very classy. There’s even a single pool table and video golf. Three to four nights a week, there’s live music. And you can sweet-talk Autumn, the night server, all you want, but if you’ve had too much to drink, she’ll cut you off and toss your arse out. That’s a promise. Cheers, mateys! (Kevin Ausmus)

Black Watch Pub, 497 N. Central Ave., Upland, (909) 981-6069

Best Bar Music—Worthington’s Tavern

If you have ever been to the East Village in New York City, there are a few experiences that you walk away missing. The 4am pizza place with the best slice of pie you’ve ever had in your life, the streets filled with such an eclectic mix of people, all of them cooler than you, and of course some of the best bar music in the world. Worthington’s Tavern in downtown Riverside does more than hold its own in this last category, featuring bar tunes that mix songs like the newest Interpol, classic ‘80s rap, old-school Madonna and back to the latest track from Bloc Party, interspersed with perfect segues to keep the energy up and your head bobbing.  Move over Alphabet City, Worthington’s Tavern not only keeps it cool, but does so without hipster-filled lines ten deep, preventing easy access to your beer fix. Right, now to find a 4am pizza shack. (Shaun Rosenstein)

Worthington’s Tavern, 3587 University Avenue, Riverside, (909) 779-9169; www.worthingtonstavern.com

Best Antiquated Electronic Music Club—Club Skandal

It’s safe to say that with the induction of VNV Nation and the rest of the commercial-cheese future-pop groups into the Industrial canon—the same genre that brought us amazing acts like EBM greats Nitzer Ebb or Front 242, or even the slightly more electro sounding Haujob—the genre has stopped being great. Its angsty sound and genuine weirdo aesthetics were replaced by preening music with ambiguously European accents. But you can still catch some of those old school stompy electronic beats—along with a little future-pop cheese—at Club Skandal in Riverside. The club boasts a stable of DJs that spin almost every sub-genre of Industrial there is, and they’re not afraid to play the old classics—and nor is the Skandal crew afraid to book live bands. The DJs trot out new stuff, too, and usually it’s fantastic. Here’s an excuse to wear those 20-hole Doc Martins you’ve got in the back of your closet waiting for the next Skinny Puppy tour. (Phil Fuller).

Club Skandal every Sat at Pepitos Mexican Restaurant, 6539 Magnolia Ave, Riverside; www.myspace.com/clubskandal. 10pm, $5.

Best Nightspot to Blow Your Entire Wad Paycheck—Club Era

It used to be that if you wanted to dance your Sunday night away to some bangin’ house, electro or club-pop and sip on a stiff Henricks-and-tonic, you had to fight traffic all the way out to Hollywood. Considering that a round trip takes at least 90 minutes of drive time—and that’s from the western half of the IE—and bodes a possible DUI, Hollywood has never been an ideal choice for discerning IEers. So what’s an itchy-footed Joe Cool supposed to do? Probably hit up Club Era in Riverside. It’s like a small piece of Hollywood was disassembled, down to the minutest detail like pushy, irritated bouncers, and plopped down in the IE. But if you want to unleash your inner hipster at this Mecca of mash-ups and fine musical talent, expect to pay Hollywood prices. We’re not sure how much it is to actually get in to this place, as one week we were asked for $15 at the door, and last week as the club hosted DJ Franki Chan and Toxic Avenger, it was $10. The drinks aren’t cheap either, but you’re also paying for feeling so damn exclusively cool whilst you sip it. Now, we’ve heard that the club lets people in for five bones before 10:30pm, but being the chic fashionistas that we are, we rarely show up anywhere before midnight. (Phil Fuller)

Club Era at Café Sevilla, 3252 Mission Inn Ave, Riverside, (909) 778-0611; www.cafesevilla.com

Best Bang For Your Buck—Club Hustler

You know intuitively that you’re in a fine Clothing Attrition joint when there’s one stage and a rotation of 20 or so limber girls, each gyrating and motioning for two full songs as they do so lovingly at Hustler Club in Redlands. That’s one girl dancing for seven minutes, and 19 girls not dancing for 133 minutes each, if you are picking up what we’re putting down. What do the other 19 girls do in the meantime? Loiter. Mingle. Rub their smooth skin with fingertips like self-admiring porcelin tantalisses while batting their long lashes. Some of them perform the sacred lap dance, but patrons aren’t coerced into coughing up the mere pittance of $20 (prices haven’t changed in 10 years) for this privilege, no. And, if you’re anything gregarious, if you’re anything desperate for female companionship, if you like to hear about the sleazy slutty whores over at the 215 rubbing their concrete breastesses all over your temples, then they bum cigarettes off you and regale you and sort of unconciously validate your entire existence. That’s the beauty of Club Hustler—there are reams of willing girls, willing to go topless (unlike the ho’sbeasts at 215 who go soulless, we’re told) and hang around you just to kill time. Plus, KY wrestling, tub shows, $2 steaks, full bar, amateur dancing contests, bachelor (and bachelorette) parties, rock & roll—what better? None better, that’s what. (Braxton Leeds)

Larry Flint’s Club Hustler, 1331 W. Colton Ave., Redlands, (909) 798-6330

Best Gay/Lesbian Nightclub—The VIP Club

Electrifying music beats and dazzling lights pulsate on the hot, hip dance floor. Endless drinks flow, while bewitching and charismatic entertainers perform, amidst pool table games and socializing. There is never a dull moment at the ever-energetic gay & lesbian hot spot, the VIP Club, in Riverside. Like drink specials?  $2 Well Drink Mondays, $1.50 Mini Pitcher Tuesdays, $2 Margarita Wednesdays, $6 Beer Bust Thursdays & Sundays, $1.50 Domestic Long Neck Beer Fridays and $3 Long Island Ice Tea Saturdays. Don’t miss the enchanting female impersonation shows: hostess Venus D Lite’s Flawless show on Saturdays will amaze you with her impeccable and ‘immaculate’ portrayal of Madonna. Owners, Bob, Cal and Dennis celebrate the VIP’s 16th year on October 31, at the simultaneous Halloween party, which will include a costume contest & Miss Mayhem’s Total Chaos Show. Party with pride and come ready for flashy, festive fun at VIP. (Jinxi Caddel)

The VIP Club, 3673 Merrill Ave., Riverside, (951) 784-2370

Best Drive-In Movie Theater—Mission Tiki Drive-In

How they manage to save the old Mission Drive-In from the wrecking ball is anyone’s guess.  But before it gets turned into the next experiment in upscale suburban shopping (see: Victoria Gardens), take time to enjoy one of the last remaining drive-ins in the Southland. Just remember to bring a boom box and a Hawaiian shirt. It’s the Mission Tiki Drive-In now and things have changed a bit since you could see The Shining there in out-of-order sequence for ten dollars a carload. For one thing, you can watch the movie outside your car now (although if you’re still just coming to make out, please stay inside). And the cumbersome WWII-issue speaker that you used to hang on your window is gone and has been replaced by wild new technology: FM Radio (hence the boom box suggestion). And if movies aren’t your cup of tea, during the summer they have punk rock concerts and, all year long, the four times a week World Famous Swap Meet, a staple at the Mission for a good 30 years now. Screen ‘em, Dano! (Kevin Ausmus)

Mission-Tiki Drive-In, Mission Blvd. & Ramona Ave., Montclair, (909) 628-0511; Swap Meet, (909) 628-0019; www.missiontiki.com

Best Outdoor Market Night—Redlands’ Market Night

Outdoor markets are very popular throughout the IE. At the good ones you can expect to find fresh produce and groceries, homemade knick-knacks and jewelry and snacks galore. But one particular market stands above the rest; The Redlands Market Night in downtown Redlands. Held every Thursday night on majestic State Street, Redlands’ Thursday night markets may be the most fulfilling outdoor shopping experience you can enjoy. The air is full of the enticing aroma of gyros, kettle corn, and barbeque. Your eardrums are saturated with the sounds of live jazz, classic rock and acoustic music. Activities are plentiful for patrons of all ages. And the safe, serene environment of downtown Redlands can make anyone feel at home. Downtown businesses often stay later hours to welcome market goers. So for a night on the town the whole family can enjoy, and find a treat to take home, try Redlands Market Night. (Donté Hightower)

Best Open Jam, Fondue and Jazz—The Hip Kitty

The first thing one may notice while they waltz into the Kitty on a Wednesday night is the terrific lighting. Vintage lamps from the ‘60s and ‘70s are lynched and scattered across the ceiling of the best jazz lounge in the Inland Empire. Or maybe the first thing one will notice are the throwback couches directly from a ‘70s bar that closed down. If still oblivious the “Open Jam Session” will threaten for attention. Local jazz musicians are encouraged to bring their instruments and jam with the house band, and anyone is welcome. Though the lounge is situated in downtown Claremont the crowd is not limited to College students. These hipsters and jazz lovers vary in ages, shapes, colors, creeds, diets, and wages. The menu specializes in fondue and alcoholic drinks. Cheese, chocolate, vegetable and meat fondues are accompanied by a full bar, and specialty drinks unique to the Hip Kitty. (Nicholas Giunta)

Hip Kitty, 502 W. First Street, Claremont, (909) 447-6700; www.hipkittyjazz.com

Best Arthouse Theatre—Laemmle’s Claremont

Coming soon to the Laemmle Theatre Claremont—The Frat Pack? Say it ain’t so! Such is the dilemma facing the new Laemmle, one of the cultural linchpins in Claremont’s eagerly anticipated and ritzy New Village. Looking to be more Pasadena than La Verne or Shirley—excuse me, Pomona—the city is counting on Laemmle to provide an anti-AMC haven for the resident sophisticatos. So there’s already been grumblings about the standard fare flicks like 3:10 To Yuma that have snuck through, though management concedes these have sold more tickets. It could be Claremont is not quite ready for all-indie cinema. On a recent Thursday evening screening of the highly-rated In The Shadow Of The Moon there were only four paid admissions—exactly 1/6 the total of the men who actually flew to the moon. It will be hard for Laemmle to pay the bills with that kind of turnout. They’ll have to sell lots of Nathan’s hot dogs to make up for it. So for now it could be—gack!—Vince Vaughn to the rescue. Lord help Claremont. (Kevin Ausmus)

Laemmle’s Claremont, 450 W. 2nd Street, Claremont, (909) 621-5500

Best Kept IE Secret—Voodoo Lounge

In the IE there exists a place that has seen the likes of such legends as Warrant, Blue Öyster Cult and Ledzepagain grace its stage. We’re not talking huge, sold-out arena shows either—we’re talking about performances held in the most intimate of settings imaginable. Chances are if you haven’t seen one these shows you never will, and therein lies the frustration and awe of the Voodoo Lounge. Located in Wild West Guitars, the Voodoo Lounge is the brainchild of Mark Hebert, owner of the store. Though it’s hardly a Skull and Bones sort of secretive membership, only select performances are open to the public—if the performer okays it, which is about half of the time—and even then only 30-50 tickets are sold. “Mark originally opened the Lounge as an alternative for the local music scene,” says Brian Kushner of Wild West. “But it never took off. So he decided to use it as a rehearsal space for his band and as a private club for clients of his businesses. Our crowds are 80% regulars.” The easiest route to becoming a member is purchasing guitars and equipment from Wild West. With billiards, foosball, a VIP lounge and ample coziness, the Voodoo Lounge is a great place to see a show. “When customers see it they are disappointed it’s private,” Kushner adds. Myself notwithstanding. (Donté Hightower)

Voodoo Lounge, 1546 7th Street, Riverside, (951) 369-7888

Best Poetry Readings—Back to the Grind

Whether it’s e.e. cummings, Sir Walter Scott or original poems by local bards who fancy such things as iambic pentameter or the art of alliteration, the poetry readings at Back to the Grind are the best opportunity in the IE to appreciate the beauty, power and arrangement of the written word. The readings take place under the hardwood floorboards in the coffeehouse’s underground art gallery. Anywhere from 25 to 50 listeners attend the readings, making it the biggest weekly poetry reading in the IE—and proving that poetry is not the dead art that Newsweek’s Bruce Wexler would have you believe. Local poets volunteer to run the meetings, which take place every Monday night from 9pm to 11pm. (Peter Surowski)

Back to the Grind, 3575 University Ave., Riverside, (951) 784-0800; For more info visit: www.back2thegrind.com

Best Haunted Cemetery—Evergreen Memorial Historic Cemetery

Simply driving through the cemetery is a haunting experience. The cemetery has no walls and no gates. Most of the cemetery is has no irrigation, leaving it overrun with weeds. Most of the weatherworn tombstones are taller than three feet, casting long, vaguely human-shaped shadows around sunset. Many of the cemetery’s inhabitants have been there since the 19th century and include luminaries, such as the founders of the City of Riverside. But according to locals, the cemetery is most famous for the elusive inhabitants that wander above the soil. Locals say the 14th Street Cemetery—as they call it—is haunted. A Google search on “14th St. cemetery haunted” turns up evidence of otherworldly events, such as YouTube videos of faint movements in the shadows, photos of vague human-shapes against shady, tree-lined backgrounds and creepy stories from members of “paranormal investigator” web groups. The cemetery is raising money to build a fence around it, not so much to keep visitors out, but to keep inhabitants in. (Cue creepy organ music). (Peter Surowski)

To donate or learn more visit www.evergreen-cemetary.info or call (951) 683-1840

Best place to smoke a hookah—Safari Lounge

Hookah lounges are all the rage in Europe, but America seldom gets it right. Safari Lounge, however, is an exception—it captures the vibe perfectly. Safari is a lot like a bar, but without the fights and beer goggles. Loud music, dim lights and comfy couches make for an easy social atmosphere. And unlike many other hookah lounges, they have a license to allow smoking inside. The ultra-late hours—open until 2am on weeknights and 4am on Friday and Saturday—make it a hot spot for night owls. They care about the quality of their smokes, too. They keep one hookah for a singular flavor, so the tastes stay pure and un-muddled. (Peter Surowski)

Safari Lounge, 10193 Hole Ave., Riverside, (951) 637-9000; www.safarihookahlounge.com

Best Drag Show—Oasis Club

Every wonder what would happen if American Idol was a bit less wholesome and a lot more flashy? If it were a show for discerning adults rather than stripped of anything edgy by the Parents Television Council? It’d probably mean bigger hair, more sequins on the dresses, louder make-up and no Sanjaya Malakar, and it would probably look a lot like Oasis’ Drag Idol, which happens every Sunday night. The contest is set up kind of like the hit reality show, with eight judges scoring contestants as they move through various rounds. And although these drag kings queens aren’t competing for a record deal, they are competing for some serious cash. Weekly prizes are a little modest, with $100 going to the first place contestant, but things heat up as the finals kick off, with winners earning themselves a grand. And at this joint, that’ll buy you a case of alcohol poisoning a few times over. (Phil Fuller)

Oasis Nightclub, 1386 E. Foothill Blvd., Upland, (909) 920-9590; www.oasis-nightclub.com. Saturday, 10pm, 21+, Free. 18-20, $5. Finals week, 21+, $6. 18-20, $10.

Best Place to Hook Up with a Mountain Hottie—Lloyd’s Bar

Lloyd’s Bar in Running Springs—otherwise known as that little mountain town you pass on the way to Big Bear Lake—is very much like any other drinking establishment you’ll find in the Inland Empire. It’s got the same weathered look of a place where lots of people get sloshed and fall into things. It’s got the same peculiar bar smell—imagine years and years of alcohol percolated through skin, then lemon-scented with industrial-strength disinfectant. It’s got the same greasy bar food (though, admittedly, Lloyd’s hamburgers are better than most).

What sets Lloyd’s apart from the rest is the staff and clientele. The bartenders and food servers are almost to a person totally hot, and—a rarity in the rough-and-tumble world of drinkeries—intelligent, warm and generous. The customers—mostly locals, with a few bikers and truckers tossed in -- are by and large beautiful people, and by beautiful people, we don’t mean elitist snobs. They’re pretty and handsome, graced with big, bright eyes and bounteous hair, tight buns and bulging breasts. Of course, there’s the odd wretch in the corner, sulking over fifth Bloody Mary for the evening. But mostly—mostly—Lloyd’s is a great place to hoist a few and make goo-goo eyes at a genuine mountain hottie.

We’re not sure why Lloyd’s has such attractive patrons. Maybe it’s the bar’s reputation for physical aesthetics that draw them in. Maybe it’s that they just look good amid all that natural scenery.

Or maybe—just maybe—the secret to Lloyd’s is that you tend to feel good—relaxed, chatty and good-natured—when enjoying a beer in a mountain tavern. Running Springs is situated in a forest. Forests release negative ions, and negative ions promote good will. It may very well be that the patrons of the bar are just as attractive or unattractive as the patrons in, say, the bar at the local El Torito. But, romantics that we are here at the Weekly, we prefer to think that Running Springs, located where highways 330 and 18 meet, is simply the hottie capital of the Inland Empire, and Lloyd’s Bar is the place where the hotties like to hook up. Whatever the case, it’s a great place to get your load on while taking the pretty sights. (David Silva)

Lloyd’s Bar, 32114 Hilltop Blvd., Running Springs; (909) 867-2311

Best Bowling—Trevi Entertainment Center

If a five-star casino had bowling lanes and arcade games instead of slot machines, it would look a lot like Trevi Entertainment Center. The giant crystal chandelier, the chiseled granite walkways and clean condition of the center make it the ritziest bowling alley in the IE. The center has more high points than just the ambiance. They have 40 lanes, a 70-foot-long bar, plasma screens galore and four pool tables. There’s also two arcades: one for kids ten and younger, and one for older kids and their game-loving parents. Inside, they have both a full-service pizza restaurant and coffeehouse. To top it off, local bands frequently play in the restaurant area, where they have a sound system set up and stage. (Peter Surowski)

Trevi Entertainment Center, 32250 Mission Trail, Lake Elsinore, (951) 674-6080; www.trevientertainmentcenter.com

A Banquet—Fox Theater

Egged on by the advent of “talkies,” the 1920’s saw the first real crop of movie theatre chains sprout up across the nation like weeds. (If weeds can look like glorious, gorgeous, golden temples, that is.)

On the West Coast, Jewish immigrant William Fox, film exhibitor and (once he broke Edison’s film trust) production company owner left his East Coast nickelodeans to erect the Fox movie theatre masterpieces in the Golden State. The San Berdoo location, designed by architect John Paxton Perrine (like all the Socal Fox theatres) is often considered the most beautiful of the Spanish-colonial movie houses. And it’s certainly had some glory days.

Opened in 1928 with the premiere of Street Angel—with stars Janet Gaynor and Charles Farrell in attendance—the inland Fox soon became the favorite preview house of MGM, Paramount and other studios. Frequent live appearances and performances by major stars such as Dorothy Lamour made the Fox the place to experience Hollywood glamour outside of Hollywood. In 1949, Bob Hope and Doris Day even took to the stage for a radio play which was broadcast by the then-local radio station KFXM, and in 1935 Will Rogers made his final public performance at the theatre before tragically dying two months later in a plane crash. Now, that’s called historic, folks.

While other Perrine-designed Fox theatres in Socal have been closed, and one in Redondo was demolished, the San Berdoo was not so carelessly disgarded. Closing in  1969 after a run of Whatever Happened to Aunt Alice? (one of those awesomely campy “Whatever Happened to . . .” films in which legendary actresses go totally berserk), the film house was, oddly enough, saved and restored by the American Sports University. It’s now rented out for banquets, corporate events and concerts, and while this isn’t the most nostalgic use of the place, we’re at least glad it’s still standing. It’s even supposed to still have its original Wurlitzer pipe organ, which means we now have to say this for the first time in our lives: Thanks, Sportos! (Stacy Davies)

San Bernardino Fox Theatre, 376 Court Street., San Bernardino

Best Place to Show Off a Little Ponypower—Pole Position

Harboring secret aspirations of taking the checkered flag at the next Formula One Grand Prix isn’t inherently bad in and of itself, but trying to drive like Michael Schumacher in your Honda Fit might be. Instead of perfecting your racing skills on the public streets where the rest of us are just trying to survive the commute to work, test out your skills on the quarter mile, European-style grad prix track at Pole Position in Corona. Sure, driving a Go-Kart isn’t nearly as cool as manning a vehicle with a bit more horsepower, but it’ll give you a chance to work on your race-day basics, like smooth cornering and passing, without having to worry about pesky police interference. Plus, those little electric karts can move at a speedy 45 mph. And the kart probably handles a bit better than your Honda hatchback anyways. (Phil Fuller).

Pole Position, 1594 Bentley Dr., Corona, (951) 817-5032; www.racerp2r.com

Best Architectural Wonder—The Riverside Art Museum

Located in the historic downtown district of Riverside, the Riverside Art Museum, while not as nationally known as the Mission Inn, has a unique and equally interesting history all its own.

Designed by architect Julia Morgan in 1929, the site was originally Riverside’s first YWCA. As the nation’s premiere (and only) professionally-recognized female architect, Morgan served as William Randolph Hearst’s personal creator for almost 25 years, designing most of the Hearst homes and retreats, his monolithic castle in San Simeon being the most famous. In fact, during her career, Morgan was responsible for over 700 buildings in California, including the Mills College Bell Tower and many residences in Claremont and Berkeley. But these lofty credentials didn’t stifle the objections from the Mission Inn’s Frank Miller. During the hiring process, Miller urged the YWCA directors to retain an architect who would mimick the Mission style already established in the area. Fortunately, the directors held firm, and Morgan was allowed to create the spectacular Mediterranean Classical landmark that offered an indoor pool, gym, open-air atrium and rooftop fireplace to thousands of women for over 40 years.

In 1967 the building was transferred over to the Riverside Art Museum, which began reimagining the structure into the city’s artistic center. And it was. With art classes for children, teens and adults, the RAM is where I was taught how to draw and shade an apple when I was a child. They also offered gallery exhibitions for local and nationally-known artists, and every year held an art contest for high school students. (I was robbed in 1987 when I received a mere honorable mention for my brilliant turquoise and orange acrylic of paintbrushes, called, um, Brushes.)

After rennovations in the 90s updated interior systems and exterior scruff, the RAM emerged modernly functionable and with one of the best luncheon spots in town—City Cuisine owned and operated by Gerry and Chris Baker (former schoolmates of mine, but I stand by my bias!). Most recently, the RAM upped the cultural anty by adding bi-monthly poetry readings and workshops, and exposing the newly-metropolized downtown to sometimes controversial art exhibitions. And we think that’s only fitting. Julia Morgan was, after all, a daring pioneer—not to mention a rumored Sapphist—who dedicated most of her life’s work to doing what would later become a prominent feminist cause: creating places that supported the growth and well-being of women. Walk the rooms of the RAM on a quiet day and you can almost feel them skipping past you in the halls.  (Stacy Davies)

Riverside Art Museum, 3425 Mission Inn Ave., Riverside; (951) 684-7111; For more info visit: www.riversideartmuseum.org

Best Golf Course to Overhear a Celebrity “Fore!”—Red Hill Country Club

Red Hill Country Club and golf course is located in good ol’ Rancho Cucamonga. The prestigious country club is the home of a well-known 18-hole golf course with a 78 rating. The private equity golf course is not just the home of local investors and business owners, but celebrity athletes as well. That’s right, if one is lucky enough they may be able to smoke cigars and gamble with the likes of Michael Jordan, Julius Erving, Lawrence Taylor, John Elway, and Terrell Owens, since all been rumored to be seen on the course practicing their game. These celebrity sightings make Red Hill golf course the best course to spot a celebrity athlete. (Nicholas Giunta)

Red Hill Country Club, 8358 Red Hill Country Club Drive, Rancho Cucamonga, (909) 982-1358; www.redhillcc.com

Best Symbol of Hope and Perseverance—Chaffey College

The local community college up the hill is more than just a depository of students; it’s a landmark of tradition, culture, and hope. Chaffey College was one of the first colleges to be established in California. Founded in 1883 as a private college, Chaffey has been running since 1916 thanks to public funding. Chaffey symbolizes the hopes of George and William Chaffey who initially founded Ontario in the late 1800’s. The brothers recognized the importance for higher education, and so they donated land and established funds for the private college, Chaffey College of Agriculture of the University of Southern California. It wasn’t until 1906 that the endowment would be separated from the University of Southern California and Chaffey Union High School District became the beneficiary of the trust funds. Today the campus has brand new student services and reading development buildings. Facilities stretch to three different cities, Rancho Cucamonga, Fontana and Ontario. (Nicholas Giunta)

Chaffey College, 5885 Haven Ave., Rancho Cucamonga, (909) 652-6000;

Chaffey College, 16855 Merrill Ave., Fontana, (909) 652-7400

Chaffey College, 13170 Seventh Street, Chino, (909) 652-7650

www.chaffey.edu

Best Five-Ton Statue With Historical Significance—The Madonna of the Trail

If ever passing by “The City of Gracious Living,” Upland, one might notice the busy street named Euclid running from the top of Upland into Ontario. Besides from being a very popular stretch of dirt and trees to exercise or walk a dog, Euclid offers a very rich piece of history also known as The Madonna of The Trail. The Madonna of The Trail is a series of statues scattered across the U.S. to symbolize the life of pioneer women. The statues begin in Maryland, and end in Upland. The statue is of a pioneer woman that clutches a child in her left arm and straps a rifle in her right; it stands 18-feet in the air and weighs over five tons. The Inland Empire, Upland, and Euclid offer more than a public convenience for dogs; it displays the courage, faith, and honor of pioneer women. (Nicholas Giunta)

Best Rodeo—PRCA Rodeo in Norco

Ropin’, ridin’ and roundups; if you are looking for the foremost in rodeos, look no further than Horsetown USA—a.k.a. Norco. The Norco Mounted Posse PRCA Rodeo is held annually in August in the city known for “city living in a rural atmosphere.” Strap on your boots and head to Ingalls Park to cheer on professional cowboys compete for big money prizes on bucking broncos; while brave bullfighters and rodeo clowns perform amidst team roping and barrel racing. 2007 marked the 23rd year that the equestrian city has featured this three-day event with its old-time appeal. Fans at the ‘07 shindig had the opportunity to meet World Rodeo Champ, Trevor Brazille, while enjoying cold beer, barbecue, western vendors and even a live band at the after-hours dance. So come next summer, be sure to saddle up and join the cowgirls and cowboys in Norco for a rockin’ rodeo adventure. (Jinxi Caddel)

PRCA Rodeo held at Ingalls Park, 6th Street, Norco, (951) 371-1204; www.norcoposse.com

Best Saturday Morning Stroll—

Mt. Rubidoux

Not the best hike, not the most scenic, Mt. Rubidoux is the best walk on a lazy Saturday morning. Sure, it’s uphill, but this is no strenuous ascent rather, especially if you take the long way up, a leisurely stroll that just happens to be uphill. On the way up you’ll pass families, rock climbers, joggers, runners, walkers, mountain bikers, and even the odd psycho or two. You’ll encounter lizards, hawks, rabbits, coyotes, and countless other wildlife while, if it’s not smoggy, getting to enjoy one of the best views in the IE. Originally owned by Frank Miller, Riverside’s Jebidiah Springfield, who both built the road and installed the cross, Mt Rubidoux is now owned and operated by the city.  The mountain is Riverside at its best. (Bill Gerdes)

For more info visit: www.mt-rubidoux.org

Best (And Possibly Only) Nudist RV Camp—Deer Park Nudist Ranch Resort

There are scads of trailer parks in the IE—usually ranging from run-down parks, really run-own parks, and crime scenes in progress—but did you know we’re also home to a genuine nude trailer park resort? That’s right, the Deer Park Nudist Resort in Devore offer up nude resort living at a trailer park price. Day-trippers are permitted and encouraged (price of admission $19 per adult for overnight), so long as they show due respect. They’ve got nude volleyball, a nude Olympic-sized swimming pool, nude Jacuzzis, buck-naked tennis courts, karaoke—in fact, if it can be done in the buff they’ve got it. They even have clothing optional weekly dinners. And the people by and large are relaxed and chill, and not have as perverted as you might expect. Snow bird specials for adults starting at $100 a month, or $425 for RV spots with electric per month. Let it all hang out, and bring your sun block. (Bill Gerdes)

Deer Park Nudist Ranch Resort, 1924 Glen Helen Road, Devore, (888) 993-NUDE; www.dpnrresort.com

Best Children’s Museum—The Imagination Workshop

The Imagination Workshop is not only good, clean fun, it teaches kids about science. It actually teaches grown-ups too, which can be a little embarrassing considering the simplicity of the lessons. The museum’s interior resembles something out of a Disney cartoon, with Magic School Bus-type lessons behind the exhibits. The exhibits are hands-on and entirely interactive—so the term “museum” and “exhibit” apply only loosely. The workshop is city-owned, operated by a nonprofit organization and staffed by volunteers. All proceeds go to special events, such as their upcoming haunted house. Kids have as much fun in this museum as they do at the playground, and they learn something to boot. (Peter Surowski)

The Imagination Workshop, 42081 Main Street, Temecula, (951) 308-6376; www.pennypickles.org

Best Man-Made Lake—Dos Lagos

You know something is the best when it requires a security detail, even if in this case that security detail often comes in the form of a borderline geriatric wielding nothing more menacing than a flashlight and a walkie-talkie. Nevertheless, get to the Promenade Shops at Dos Lagos early, but avoid the tempting retail stores for the artificial yet beautiful man-made lakes. While the bridge closes early in clear violation of Patti Smith’s immortal words, even those of us fighting the pimple-inducing effects of too much late night pizza could score a kiss in unforgiving daylight, simply by being beautiful by association. (Shaun Rosenstein)

Dos Lagos, 2780 Cabot Drive, Corona, (951) 277-7601; www.promenadeshopsatdoslagos.com

Best Sit Down Chinese Food Lunch Specials—Chinese Pavilion

On a regular Tuesday afternoon, we treated ourselves to an assorted vegetables plate with fried rice, fried won ton, egg roll, egg flower soup, tea, water, an intricately-sliced orange and a fortune cookie . . . all for under six bucks! The next week, we swapped the vegetables for moo shoo chicken. The next week, it was a broccoli beef main dish. Get our drift? Lots of great grub, a chill-in-the-deep booth Chinese restaurant environment and a pair of owner/operators who’ll whisk the goods to your seat as fast as humanly possible (average time is about five minutes)—now that’s service. And yeah, they’ll even cook you a set-up to go. (Word to the wise: These specials only last ‘til 3pm) (Waleed Rashidi)

Chinese Pavilion, 1965 Foothill Blvd, La Verne; (909) 596-2029

Best Place to Train in the Presence of Warriors—Team Quest

Team Quest MMA Fitness is the closest thing to a Superfriends’ Hall of Justice you’ll find in the IE, and it just so happens to be one of the top five MMA training facilities in the world. When the Team Quest Fight Club trains, there are up to 20 world-class fighters slugging the heavybags (and each other) at once, ranging from the gym’s co-owner Dan Henderson (Pride FC Champion and UFC fighter), Cameroon-fighter Theirry Rameau Sokoudjou (ranked in the top five in the world in light heavyweight), Brazilian Jiu Jitsu fighter Vincius Magalhaes (three-time world champion), et al. Yet, anybody who wishes to train or take classes in MMA, Thai kickboxing, Jiu Jitsu (no gi), Pilates or general fitness, can do so at Team Quest with, among or near the aforementioned gladiators. Heath Sims, who co-owns the gym with Hendo, is a former Greco Roman Wrestling champion himself, and is always around, as are other specimens of inspiration brute strength and will. However, as Team Quest is quick to point out, “don’t worry about a testosterone overload—these guys are patient teachers who are focused on ensuring that members learn authentic techniques for the best results.” Worry instead about letting yourself down. (Braxton Leeds)

Team Quest MMA Fitness, 41561 Date Street, Murrieta, (951) 677-1684; www.teamquestmma.com; Memberships run $99-$159 monthly, and are available month-to-month or annually

Best Place to Grow Musty—Pomona Antique Row

Hipsters and grannies who are ardent antique hunters have mallrats to thank for their beloved Pomona Antique Row, the area spanning the 100 and 200 blocks of East 2nd Street in downtown that features everything from vintage vases to wagon wheels to figurines and everything in between. With more than 400 dealers represented at the area’s shops that were once left in decline after the nearby, freeway-friendlier Montclair Plaza opened (there was once a Pomona Mall!), the area began to experience a rebirth as the hip enclave that it has become. And if it’s your first visit and it looks familiar, you may be staring at the pastel storefronts leftover from when it was repainted pretty as Anville for the Mike Myers movie The Cat in the Hat. (Arrissia Owen-Turner)

Pomona Antique Row, E. 2nd Street, Downtown Pomona, (909) 629-1121 or (909) 623-9835

Best Place for a Vegetarian To Give Birth—Loma Linda University Medical Center

Seventh-Day Adventists praise seitan. Not the horny red, fire-breathing sort who you meet after a life of gluttony and raunch. No, we’re talking seitan (pronounced “say-tan”), and Loma Linda Hospital, an Adventist private hospital, preaches the gospel, which makes it the perfect place for a vegetarian or vegan mother to push a tyke out of her vajayjay. The religion advocates healthy eating habits and abstinence from alcohol and tobacco, so if you do time in their hospital, there will be no Salisbury steak and green Jello for you. The good news is you can choose from, say, chix-style enchiladas, veggie chix á la king, five-cheese lasagna, or maybe some spaghetti with veg-meat sauce. Sure, it will be hell for some, but heavenly for us non-carnivores. Amen, brothers and sisters. (Arrissia Owen-Turner)

Loma Linda University Medical Center, 11234 Anderson St., Loma Linda, (909) 558-4000, www.llu.edu

Best Place to Feign Wealth— Mission Inn

If you’re looking for a place to propose, or just really, really woo a date, it’s all about the Mission Inn in downtown Riverside. Renovated eight years ago at a cost of $55 million, the hotel is now a 239-room hotel with five floors, four restaurants, a day spa and more—but it started out in 1876 as a wee two-story, 12-room adobe boarding house called the Glenwood Cottage. The Mission predates Riverside, bitches! The hotel was started by Christopher Columbus Miller, whose son Frank Miller took it over and obsessively kept adding on wings, Winchester House style. The luxe building now takes up an entire city block! But lest ye think it’s just a big ass hotel—no, no, no, sir. This hotel is akin to a Medieval European city, complete with exterior arcades, a Medieval-style clock overlooking the Spanish patio, a sunny five-story rotunda, more patios and windows than we can count (but, you know, we can count, we’re just busy and stuff), towers, minarets (see, we’ve been busy figuring out what a minaret is . . . ), a wing with catacombs (that’s a twisty underground passageway . . . ), a high pedestrian bridge, a five-story spiral staircase and more. Miller was a consummate traveler and collector, so it’s no surprise the hotel is virtually a museum, featuring various collections and museum-quality artifacts estimated worth at about $5 million. Just the Garden of Bells alone contains more than 800 ringer dingers, including one from 1274 described as the “oldest bell in Christendom.” Pat and Richard Nixon were married at the Mission Inn, the Reagan’s honeymooned there. In all, 10 presidents have had their pillows fluffed within the Mission Inn’s walls—even California’s Governator. We’re assuming he’ll be back. (Arrissia Owen-Turner)

Mission Inn, 3649 Mission Inn Ave., Riverside, (951) 341-6767; www.missioninn.com

Best Place to Live Out A Pirate’s Life— Big Bear Lake

Aaarg. If it’s a pirate’s life you be searching fer, look in the last place you’d expect: high up atop the hills. The absence of saltwater doesn’t seem to have fazed the creative business-minded at 7,000 feet, and now they’ve implemented an actual pirate festival each June to take advantage of the randomness of it all. Why mess about with that cutesy squirrel stuff? Who gives a hoot about Smokey Bear? Get yourself to the Time Bandit Pirate Ship for a cruise around the waters with some hearties, then join the landlubbers for a bite at the Captain’s Anchorage, a steakhouse once owned by western movie star Andy Devine. And, if you’re done carousing but still fancy a nightcap on deck, head to the liquor store across the road, Pirate’s Alley, and raid the coffers for some booty, be it wine, beer or Brass Monkey you’re after. And while the days of crack Jenny’s teacup are past—the Zebra Room was notorious for that sort of fun, as was allegedly the Captain’s Anchorage in its glory days as a speakeasy—you can probably find some of that other sort of booty for the fire in your hole at Chad’s in the Village. Tell ‘em Davy Jones sent ya. (Arrissia Owen-Turner)

Big Bear Lake, (800) 4-BIGBEAR, www.bigbear.com

Best Defiant Brick-and-Mortar Record Shop—Mad Platter

Actual brick-and-mortar stores selling records and CDs are quickly becoming relics of a pre-Internet age where music wasn’t easily accessible without leaving the house. Since the digital revolution, many record stores have had increasing difficulty getting people to leave the comfortable trappings of their homes to buy music in a tactile form, and many independent record shops throughout the country—like OC staple Underdog Records—have been forced to close their doors. So how does a music store lure weary music fans out of their homes to buy music? For those of you who like to hold an album in your hand, to flip through the racks and browse the clearances, The Mad Hatter is your comfort. By offering the best vinyl and CDs, imports, singles, a bunch of out-of-print stuff and tons music-related swag—Riverside’s best record store still has a little ammo to compete with your computer. Even though they are slightly smaller than their sister-store in Claremont, Rhino Records, Mad Platter doesn’t skimp on selection or any of that other stuff you go to the music store to get. Well, except they leave out the stereotypical music-snob clerk. (Phil Fuller)

Mad Platter, 1223 University Ave, Riverside, (951) 328-1600; www.rhinorecords.com

Best Drum Shop—Timbo’s Drum Shop

Even if you don’t end up buying anything from his shop, owner Tim Hurtado is more than happy to take the time to show off his latest crashes, splashes, hats and rides—and no, we’re not talking about accidents, water, headgear or cars. That’s ‘cause Hurtado runs the shop with his wife Brenda, and takes pride in treating the customers right from the moment the door swings open. Along with its competitive pricing, the shop offers a host of kits from various companies (including local drum manufacturer Taye, plus Mapex, Tama and Pearl), snares, accessories and even some used gear. Timbo’s shop, now in its second year, is an IE-based drummer’s paradiddlin’ dream. (Waleed Rashidi)

Timbo’s Drum Shop, 9252 Magnolia Avenue, Riverside; (951) 359-0917

Best Whole Foods—Clark’s Nutrition & Natural Foods Market

Whole food shoppers know how important a wide array of organic and natural products are when following a healthy lifestyle. Nutrition-minded IE residents have luckily had Clark’s Nutrition & Natural Foods Market in their backyard since 1972. When Jim Clark opened his first downtown Riverside location, he foresaw the importance of a store with a healthy alternative during an era that introduced the Swanson Hungry Man TV Dinner meal (1973) and only hippies bought carrot juicer machines. Today, Clarks offers an outstanding selection of whole and organic foods, produce, dairy and deli items, vitamins, sports nutrition, teas, health & beauty products, homeopathic remedies and bulk foods. Throw in a friendly atmosphere and staff that is focused on nutritional knowledge and optimum health and you’ve got a recipe for success right here in the IE. (Jinxi Caddel) 

Loma Linda Market, 11235 Mountain Ave., Loma Linda

Rancho Mirage Market, 34175 Monterey Ave., Rancho Mirage

Riverside Market, 4225 Market Street, Riverside

Best Adult Playland That Has Stood the Test of Time and Technology—The Toy Box

It has always been a dream of mine to open a big box adult store and call it “Jerk-It City.” (It’s right up there with my big box body enhancement clinic idea, “Breast Buy”). Until I can get the financing for it, the adult consuming public will have to settle for the Toy Box, the venerable porn outlet that has been nestled cozily in an Upland business park for a good 25 years. It’s a cinch to find—there’s a giant billboard advertising the store looming over the parking lot. It would be easy to dismiss the Toy Box as just another example of American sexual perversion run amok, but consider that 20 years ago, the Toy Box was merely a dark, dank arcade catering to low brow clientele. These days it is a sparkling and immaculate super store that sells everything from DVDs and magazines to bedroom accessories and vitamin supplements. It boasts close to 100 different brands of vibrators alone. All of this in an Internet age that has managed to shut down retail chain stores like Tower Records that once seemed invincible. Cyberspace makes a killing off of adult entertainment, but never underestimate the thrill of the examining the merch up close and personal! (Kevin Ausmus)

The Toy Box, 1999 W. Arrow Rte., Upland, (909) 920-1135

Best Place to Buy a Bullet Belt—Electric Chair

Electric Chair is the oldest shop to cater to punks and goths in the IE. They predate Hot Topic by eight years, and unlike Hot Topic, they refrain from putting stuffed cartoon characters on the shelf next to their spiked leather armbands and two-inch plugs. Their non-conformity has earned the store the nickname “the anti-mall,” according to some local teens—and that’s because the store has stayed true to its roots. Electric Chair is family owned and operated, though the store’s concept came from Mike Roach, the guitarist in TSOL. He suggested to the owner that he open a shop that sold the kind of stuff he normally had to sift through catalogues to find. Thus, Electric Chair was born—and it’s been the best place to buy black market art t-shirts, Draven Streetwear with the Crison Ghost, switchblade stilletos or bullet belts ever since. (Peter Surowski)

Electric Chair, 10121 Hole Ave., Riverside; (951) 359-8003; www.electricchair.com

Best Magic Shop—Trick Shop

Whether you are a novice illusionist or David Blane, the Trick Shop in Temecula is a must-see for any aspiring magician. Loaded with the classics (my personal favorite being the Nickles to Dimes—anything to make me believe that I can instantly double my beer money) as well as the coolest of the new (check out Behold the Scarabaeus—a cell phone magically gets sealed in a water bottle . . . why you would want to do this isn’t the point, it just looks cool!), the Trick Shop has something for everyone. Be careful though, for they are known to be adept at performing the trick that is the bane of money-conscious consumers everywhere—the disappearing Jacksons.

The Trick Shop, 28480 Old Town Front Street, Temecula, (951) 506-0664; www.trickshopmagic.com

Best Old-School Porno Shack—Le Sex Shop

Porno shacks often fail the Goldilocks test: if they’re too pervy you don’t even want to venture in, while if they’re overly upscale you leave feeling not nearly as shameful or dirty enough. Riverside’s long standing porn emporium, Le Sex Shop, nails what a sex shop should be—namely, a place to feel a bit risqué, instead of having the urge to immediately Google vaccinations for syphilis. And Le Sex Shop delivers on those naughtier fronts. Dildos? They’ve got loads, whole copses of them, can’t see the whack-rags through the rubber dicks kind of thing— short, long, and ouch varieties. They also carry more romantic items like sensual massage oils and powders, and edible panties—and they’ve got playful items for other pursuits (if you’re feeling a bit Marquis de Sade) like bondage tape and numbing wax. And if you are really, truly freaky, there’s the old school porno booths in the back for you to, like, be by yourself. A true Riverside landmark, Le Sex Shop has a little something for everyone. (Bill Gerdes)

Le Sex Shoppe, 3945 Market St Riverside, CA 92501, (951) 788-5194

Best Secondhand Treasure-Trove—Goodwill (of course!)

Most thrift stores leave you feeling a little dustier than when you first walked in, enthusiastic to find some cheap steal or thrill, which is why the Pomona Goodwill is a top-choice for finding vintage items that are practically borrowed from a friend, never merely cast-off. Color-coded organization makes it almost too easy to find what you have in mind, whether it’s an old band/movie T-shirt—think Spanish rockers Mana and Andy Warhol flicks—records, CDs and cassettes, even the occasional 8-track, at $1-$2, knit scarves and/or handbags and kitchen wares reminiscent of the ‘60s. Racks dedicated to Halloween, streaming with secondhand costumes, prom dresses, suits and beaded gowns are also set out every year, ready to be turned into the right imaginative outfit. Certain items, such as sweaters, shoes and coats run a little more expensive than typical but this is because the store only accepts the best-quality donations and even carries new items, such as cowboy boots and heels, which, of course, are best-paired with that classic tee. Ah, the smell of mothballs. (Kady Bell)

Goodwill Industries, 210 E Foothill Blvd., Pomona, (909) 596-3700

Goodwill Industries, 215 Philadelphia Street, Pomona, (909) 364-2407

Best Name For a Band Since Manowar—Gang Raping Nuns

Are Riverside’s Gang Raping Nuns a gang that rapes our good sisters, or a gang of nuns that enjoy doing a little raping from time to time? Little matter, as when you hear the thralling death metal of GRN you’ll wish you could just live forever and stay the-fugg-out-the sludge. Seriously, this shit would have GG Allin curling up in the fetal position scrubbing his skin off with steel wool—it’s just that undanceable. Which begs the question: Why is there no such thing as Life Metal? Shouldn’t everything that’s taken seriously contain its opposite? No, the Gang Raping Nuns don’t use lubricants. Check out the Nuns’ MySpace page and give “The Donkey has AIDS” a listen—a one-note MOD-type belch that has whole worlds in it (like anesthesia), and you know something . . . you’ll never get that second back. As for “Rent A Cop Slayer,” well, let’s just say you’ll feel violated, just like the Gang Raping Nuns intended. (Braxton Leeds)

http://www.myspace.com/gangrapingnuns

Best Full Contact Broads in Skates—Inland Empire Derby Divas

Roller derby is one of those cult items—like Ed Wood movies and Fruit Brute cereal—that somehow astonishes the casual fan with its indispensable keep. Since the first roller derby took place in 1922, there’ve been vivals and revivals of amateur teams all over America, usually relegated to late night cable television to be dissected later by the dudes on ESPN’s Cheap Seats. The Inland Empire Derby Divas are the local chapter, and as they circle the flat track like sardines in a tank, they are carrying roller pins and looking to decapitate one another, in fishnets and hot pants, with miles of cleavage and sessy scowls. Stop me when this seems unentertaining. Some worship at the alter of cheap shot artist Ann Calvello, whose lipstick-smattered career spanned seven decades, thus making Gordie Howe’s five-decade run in hockey seem utterly feeble. Others, with handles like Rusty Nail (IEDD founder), Hannah Kaboom, Crasher Von Razor (of Riverslime, CA) and Pazza Diavola are just plain ornery. You can skate with the Divas on October 25 at the Stardust Skating Center in San Bernardino (2167 N. Lugo Avenue) at 8pm. (Braxton Leeds)

Best Place to Start Your Career as a Hobo—Burlington Northern and Santa Fe Railyard

So you’ve decided to shirk the materialistic trappings of postmodern life in America in favor of one that’s more in line with your anti-capitalist ideological leanings. Everything that is to come begins now. It’s an excellent time to quit your job, gather up a few belongings and take off across America’s pristine countryside like Jack Kerouac. Forget the criticisms that On The Road isn’t a guidebook for freedom or growth, but for narcissism and denial. If you truly want to shirk American values and the capitalist system, a car won’t do. You’ll need to hitch hike or hop a freight train. The Burlington Northern and Santa Fe rail yard in San Bernardino might be a good place to start. Their lines run everywhere west of the Mississippi, so you’ll have your choice of destination. Just be careful. Not only is freight train hopping highly illegal, but it’s also potentially deadly—one slip and you’re under the train (thus the reason you’ll do it anyway, because of your fascination with adrenaline). The guards (bulls) for Santa Fe are notoriously enthusiastic. Most experts recommend grabbing a train that’s stopped outside the yard to avoid confrontations. But if you get caught, what do you care? You’ve shirked the materialistic trappings of postmodern life in America, you hobo. (Phil Fuller)

Best Late Night AM Radio Listerners Cliché Group That’s Actually Cool—Golden State Paranormal Research Society

Jen Mauricio has been fascinated by ghosts, ghost stories, ghostly goings-on and other supernatural happenings since she was nine-year’s old. She’s so into creepy, otherworldly, supersensory possibility that she’s spent the last year of her life documenting, investigating and trying to scientifically distill haunting in the IE and Orange County. Thus the reason she’s established the Golden State Paranormal Research Society. The group investigates hauntings in and around the Inland Empire, from simple I-just-feel-a-presence tales to downright spooky door slammings and lightbulb burstings. They use a bunch of fancy electronic instruments a la Ghostbusters to gauge measurements of a haunting. Mauricio’s worked on The Queen Mary and in Stephen King’s The Shining point of inspiration, The Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colorado. But Jen and the other GSPRS-ers say that ghost hunting is a lot of hurry-up-and-wait. “When someone describes something happening, we can’t actually investigate it unless it happens while we’re there,” she says. (Phil Fuller)

Golden State Paranormal Research Society can be reached at www.freeweb.com/goldenstateparanormalreseachsociety or at goldenstateparanormal@gmail.com

Best Slightly Insane Bicycle Gang—Cycledelics

Most roving gangs of cycle thugs opt for leather and loud, environmentally harmful two-wheeled beasts, amphetamines and anti-social behavior. But Riverside’s Cycledelics aim for a more socially responsible angle—see, they ride bicycles instead of gas-swilling Harleys. And they’re not too big on the amphetamines or criminal undertakings, either. Cycling isn’t exactly cutting-edge fare, but it gets that way in a place where driving an automobile isn’t seen as a privilege, but a necessity. They ride 10 to 20 miles every Thursday at 11pm, and the group recently took park in a 50-mile ride from Rosarito Beach to Ensanada. On bicycles. On Saturdays, the group organizes fun rides—some are themed, like this month’s Halloween ride—for people who just want to go out, be social and ride their bikes. (Phil Fuller)

Best place to learn witchcraft—Lady of the Lake

If Gandalf were a librarian his library would be stocked like Lady of the Lake. They sell books on astrology, hypnosis, tarot card reading, witchcraft and all the other stuff that moms send kids to catholic school for reading. Their book collection is larger than most used bookstores. In fact, they have the biggest selection of new age books in the IE. They also carry a lot of the stuff that usually goes along with their books, such as incense, candles, charms and even crystal balls. Lady of the Lake has four locations, but the Temecula store opened first in 1988. The employees are always well educated on matters magical and can—perhaps intuitively—find what a client is looking for. (Peter Surowski)

Lady of the Lake, 27326 Jefferson Ave, Temecula, (951) 296-0222

Best Rootable Roots Rock Band in the IE—Bucksworth

If one were to make a soundtrack for the Inland Empire, said musical collection would be sorely amiss if it omitted a tune by Bucksworth, the burn-heavy roots rock music outfit that’s been plugging away going on eight years now. Bucksworth’s music hearkens back to the family tree of country and blues, recalling Exile on Main Street Stones, minus the drug-addled tone. Frontman Mark Nemetz crafts songs that evoke the zeitgeist of Las Vegas, the desert, and the changes the IE is undergoing as we rush (spiral?) toward becoming Orange County East. So check ‘em out live at or throw down some spare change for a CD. Bucksworth lives up to its name. (Bill Gerdes)

For more infowww.myspace.com/bucksworth

Best Parent That Also Happens to be a Historical Landmark—Parent Navel Historical Park

Parents are very important to our development, and we in the IE are no different. Yet there are different kinds of parents right here in the IE that birthed the economic boom of our area. I’m speaking of the parent Navel Orange tree in Riverside. Located at the corner of Arlington and Magnolia, the parent ‘Riverside Navel’ (later dubbed the Washington Navel) orange tree was brought to area from Bahia, Brazil in 1873 by William Saunders, a horticulturist. He gave the tree to Eliza Tibbets and it still bears fruit. The tree would later birth the booming citrus industry that the IE had strived on for years. Redlands was the world citrus capitol for decades thanks to this lone navel tree. The parent Marsh grapefruit tree also resides at the Parent Navel Historical Park. Every Washington Navel and Marsh grapefruit are descendants of these trees.Visit California Historical Landmark #20 to see a very important piece of our history! (Donté Hightower)

Best Place to Travel Back in Time—Jensen Alvarado Historic Ranch and Museum

Next time your child says. “I’m bored, there’s nothing to do” and the standard Why-don’t-you-clean-your-room-then response doesn’t quite drive your point home, take a jaunt to the late 19th century with Cornelius Boy Jensen. The Danish sailor settled down in Riverside with his 16-year-old bride, Mercedes Alvarado (her family is the namesake for the famous boulevard in Los Angeles), in Riverside after giving up on the Gold Rush. These days, there are no teenage brides around, but you can get a hands-on feel for what life was like in the Inland Empire way back when at the ranch. The 30-acre ranch has cattle, sheep, chickens, rabbits, goats and even a duck pond, citrus groves, peach, apricot and plum orchards, and a grape vineyard—the latter of which came in mighty handy for the winery that Jensen developed. There’s nothing new about hankering for some drinky drink. And here comes good part: kids can do chores! Churn butter, make ice cream and tortillas, do some laundry the old-fashioned way, and you friend can take a looksy at the winery, which reopens to the public November 3 with a big, fancy shindig. The ranch is open 10am-4pm on Saturdays, September through June. (Arrissia Owen-Turner)

Jensen-Alvarado Historic Ranch and Museum, 4307 Briggs Street, Riverside, (951) 369-6055

Best Place To Have Graduated From High School If You Wanted to Learn About Murder—Ontario High School

No shit. We are not making this up. During the ’80s and ’90s, one Mr. John Watson taught math. At the time he was infamous for being the teach who always managed to have a wad of spit and paper that mesmerizingly smacked from lip-to-lip as he taught us about integers and exponents. When kids would raise their hand and mock him by asking question with a sassy spitwad slur, we had no idea we were possibly taking our lives in our hands. In July 2005, Watson and his wife, Evie Duran Watson, took a trip to Las Vegas to celebrate Evie’s 50th birthday. Never did the saying “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas” apply so well. A few weeks later, police arrested the retired Ontario High School teacher while he was eating at a Denny’s in Claremont. In his possession they found a wig, a bus ticket to Texas, loads of cash and a fake ID, according to reports by the Daily Bulletin. And besides that, they found blood in his Jeep Cherokee, and that was after investigators came across blood in his Vegas hotel room and a blood-spattered tarp in Tulare County that was linked to the woman. One thing that Watson may have left behind in Vegas is the body. While he was indicted in January of this year by a Las Vegas grand jury on murder, robbery and kidnapping, the body—which detectives believe was dismembered with an electric saw and a box cutter in the Vegas hotel room—has not been found. But circumstantial evidence was strong enough to throw the book at him. Whether it was a mathematics book has not been confirmed as of press time. Watson allegedly told his son that his wife committed suicide and he dismembered her body lest the police think he killed her. But dude! An electric saw and a box cutter? Last we heard prosecutors were planning to seek the death penalty anyhoo. Do we think that’s fair? Well, we got a C in his class, so you do the math. (Arrissia Owen-Turner)