Rundown
By: Allen David
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
Forget about the $700 billion bailout or electrocardiogram-style palpitations of the stock market. Prosperity is just around the corner! Or, more precisely, just beyond that bend in the 91 Freeway, right about where the toll lanes begin. The price of a 10-mile ride is dropping by 50 cents . . . down to something like $9.50 . . . in the eastbound lanes . . . between 3 and 4 in the afternoon. Okay, so it doesn’t sound like much, but—whooo-hooo!—our economic turnaround has got to start somewhere. This is the first drop in the price of tolls since the Orange County Transportation Authority took over the system in 2003. Sounds like a pretty solid economic indicator to me . . . until I realize that the price of the toll is based on the volume of vehicles that use the lanes . . . and that volume is down because high gas prices are making it too expensive for some people to drive . . . and because high unemployment has taken away the jobs they were driving to. One more thing: In the long run, more tolls are coming to more roads because something’s got to compensate for the lower revenue from gas taxes as people drive less. Fuck.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1
House Peters, Jr., the unsuspecting prototype for a genre of masculinity later raised to mainstream profile by people ranging from Telly Savalas to Mr. T to Michael Jordan to . . . well . . . Demi Moore and Howie Mandel, dies of pneumonia. House Peters, Jr. was the actor who played Mr. Clean in all those 1950s and 1960s TV commercials—and by “played” I mean he shaved his head, put on one hoop earring, flexed his muscles and assumed a no-nonsense attitude toward grease and grime . . . and undoubtedly gave a couple generations of housewives something to . . . uh . . . work with as they clenched the mop handle. In a certain context, then, “House Peters” was a very appropriate name. C’mon, think! He was 92 when he died of pneumonia—not, as so many of us suspected, of ammonia. Sorry.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2
A Cathedral City man gets a bed in the Indio Jail when he’s accused of trying to get big discounts at a Target store in La Quinta by making fake bar codes and allegedly attaching them to all the computer equipment that Riverside police say they found at his house. This may seem like a modern crime, but it’s not. The patent for the first bar code was issued in 1952, the first store to actually use it was the Marsh’s supermarket in Troy, Ohio, in 1974 and the first item to be affixed with a bar code was a 10-pack of Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit gum—which the buyer got for 67 cents. Criminal? Nah, that’s how much it cost back then.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3
Contemplating Manny Ramirez.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4
Count Dracula visits various American Red Cross centers to participate in their blood-donor drives today, but officials warn against using “I gave blood” as an explanation to spouses, lovers or parents for those suspicious marks on your neck. In spite of the Count’s fanged presence, blood is still withdrawn via the crook in the elbow—and not via mouthed suction from the carotid artery. The Dracula thing is actually a cross-promotional marketing ploy, using the suggestion of lurid and morbid sex with otherworldly creatures—and the chance to win a Dracula-based video game—to lure people to restock the dangerously low blood banks. We live in strange times. I like it.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5
Excuse the employees of the San Bernardino County Assessor’s office if they have trouble sleeping tonight, but they’re pretty excited that their beloved boss, Bill Postmus, will likely be coming back to work soon. Postmus has been gone for nearly three months since taking a medical leave when allegations of political corruption and drug abuse reached a fever. In June the grand jury reported that Postmus had filled top positions in the assessor’s office with unqualified political allies, that some staffers used the county e-mail system for partisan politics and questioned whether severance pay given to a departing employee was excessive and highlighted possible abuses of the county’s education reimbursement benefit. The same day, Postmus’ assistant, Adam Aleman, was charged with six felonies. County supervisors have asked Postmus to respond to the situation, but of course there will be time for that after the big welcome-back party. Billy, we’ve really missed ya!
MONDAY, OCTOBER 6
Inmates at Chuckawalla Valley State Prison donate the big pirate ship they made in their auto body vocational class for last spring’s Colorado River Fair to Palo Verde College after realizing the school’s mascot is a pirate. The ship was moved back to the prison for some minor modifications that allow it to be placed inside a college building. No, that didn’t include installing any Trojan-horse-style hiding places.
Forget about the $700 billion bailout or electrocardiogram-style palpitations of the stock market. Prosperity is just around the corner! Or, more precisely, just beyond that bend in the 91 Freeway, right about where the toll lanes begin. The price of a 10-mile ride is dropping by 50 cents . . . down to something like $9.50 . . . in the eastbound lanes . . . between 3 and 4 in the afternoon. Okay, so it doesn’t sound like much, but—whooo-hooo!—our economic turnaround has got to start somewhere. This is the first drop in the price of tolls since the Orange County Transportation Authority took over the system in 2003. Sounds like a pretty solid economic indicator to me . . . until I realize that the price of the toll is based on the volume of vehicles that use the lanes . . . and that volume is down because high gas prices are making it too expensive for some people to drive . . . and because high unemployment has taken away the jobs they were driving to. One more thing: In the long run, more tolls are coming to more roads because something’s got to compensate for the lower revenue from gas taxes as people drive less. Fuck.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1
House Peters, Jr., the unsuspecting prototype for a genre of masculinity later raised to mainstream profile by people ranging from Telly Savalas to Mr. T to Michael Jordan to . . . well . . . Demi Moore and Howie Mandel, dies of pneumonia. House Peters, Jr. was the actor who played Mr. Clean in all those 1950s and 1960s TV commercials—and by “played” I mean he shaved his head, put on one hoop earring, flexed his muscles and assumed a no-nonsense attitude toward grease and grime . . . and undoubtedly gave a couple generations of housewives something to . . . uh . . . work with as they clenched the mop handle. In a certain context, then, “House Peters” was a very appropriate name. C’mon, think! He was 92 when he died of pneumonia—not, as so many of us suspected, of ammonia. Sorry.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2
A Cathedral City man gets a bed in the Indio Jail when he’s accused of trying to get big discounts at a Target store in La Quinta by making fake bar codes and allegedly attaching them to all the computer equipment that Riverside police say they found at his house. This may seem like a modern crime, but it’s not. The patent for the first bar code was issued in 1952, the first store to actually use it was the Marsh’s supermarket in Troy, Ohio, in 1974 and the first item to be affixed with a bar code was a 10-pack of Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit gum—which the buyer got for 67 cents. Criminal? Nah, that’s how much it cost back then.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3
Contemplating Manny Ramirez.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4
Count Dracula visits various American Red Cross centers to participate in their blood-donor drives today, but officials warn against using “I gave blood” as an explanation to spouses, lovers or parents for those suspicious marks on your neck. In spite of the Count’s fanged presence, blood is still withdrawn via the crook in the elbow—and not via mouthed suction from the carotid artery. The Dracula thing is actually a cross-promotional marketing ploy, using the suggestion of lurid and morbid sex with otherworldly creatures—and the chance to win a Dracula-based video game—to lure people to restock the dangerously low blood banks. We live in strange times. I like it.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5
Excuse the employees of the San Bernardino County Assessor’s office if they have trouble sleeping tonight, but they’re pretty excited that their beloved boss, Bill Postmus, will likely be coming back to work soon. Postmus has been gone for nearly three months since taking a medical leave when allegations of political corruption and drug abuse reached a fever. In June the grand jury reported that Postmus had filled top positions in the assessor’s office with unqualified political allies, that some staffers used the county e-mail system for partisan politics and questioned whether severance pay given to a departing employee was excessive and highlighted possible abuses of the county’s education reimbursement benefit. The same day, Postmus’ assistant, Adam Aleman, was charged with six felonies. County supervisors have asked Postmus to respond to the situation, but of course there will be time for that after the big welcome-back party. Billy, we’ve really missed ya!
MONDAY, OCTOBER 6
Inmates at Chuckawalla Valley State Prison donate the big pirate ship they made in their auto body vocational class for last spring’s Colorado River Fair to Palo Verde College after realizing the school’s mascot is a pirate. The ship was moved back to the prison for some minor modifications that allow it to be placed inside a college building. No, that didn’t include installing any Trojan-horse-style hiding places.
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