The Colossal 100th Column
A look back at some of the shittiest, hairiest and most ejaculatory Mind Body Spirit columns
By: Anna Sachse
Column 14, Sex
A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association indicates that frequent ejaculation might help protect the prostate from cancer. Another study, touted on the Planned Parenthood website, found that whole lot of boinking leads directly to a longer life. At the conclusion of a 10-year investigation, it was found that men who had frequent orgasms (two or more per week) had 50 percent less of a mortality risk than those who had orgasms less than once a month. Even when controlling for other factors such as age, social class and smoking status, a strong inverse relationship was found between orgasm frequency and risk of death.
Column 47, Fidgeting
Have a little extra junk in your trunk after a long, lovely summer of hot dogs, Häagen-Dazs and hops? Never mind a marathon to whittle away those extra pounds; maybe you just need to fidget more. That’s right—fidget. According to a much celebrated study published in the January 27, 2005 issue of the journal Science, mundane movement (wiggling in your seat during a meeting, tapping your toes, standing up to stretch, straightening up your home, window-shopping, etc.) is actually a more powerful determinant than formal exercise of who is thick and who is thin. Sound too good to be true? Well, try not to sit still.
Column 48, Colon Cleansing
Colon cleansing—maybe you’ve seen the ads for Colon Blow, Almighty or Bowtrol, or perhaps you have a friend who swears by them. Proponents claim they feel lighter and more energetic, have flatter stomachs and have beat constipation, IBS, bloating, stomach pain and skin problems. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, just Google the “Dual Action Cleanse” and prepare yourself for a very scary infomercial, led by a guy who looks like a young John Waters, in which people talk very graphically about their bowel movements. Or, if you feel like vomiting, go to the DrNatura.com website for pictures of the magnificent creations that people have released from their bottoms while cleansing. But do you really need to purify your poop-shoot? You’re hard-hitting IE Weekly tackles this crappy question.
Column 62, Ear Wax
Despite our society’s general love affair with both Q-Tips and excessive hygiene, you should actually never have to clean your ear canals. However, if a jaundiced ear hole freaks you out, you can wash the external ear with a cloth over a finger. Do not insert anything into the ear canal, and that includes those Q-Tips.
Column 70, Body Hair
One of those moments when I realized my fiancé really was the man for me came when he announced that he didn’t understand why women shaved off all their pubic hair in order to look like 10-year-olds; in fact, he didn’t understand why women shaved at all. He preferred his women wooly. Because I am a woman of Russian descent, his words were more than enough to set my hairy loins on fire. Don’t get me wrong—I, like most women and many men, will continue to the prune the hedges so that I don’t frighten people at the beach, but there is a case to be made for forgoing the clear-cut. This week we take a long, hard look at the hair everywhere, but especially down there.
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