The Rundown

Lets’s start something called the “Only in the IE” Files. First runner-up for consideration into this rogues gallery is a motorist seen driving through the rain-slick streets of Corona this afternoon. The license plate reads “MR COKE.” We’re absolutely, positively sure this guy’s talking about the soft drink. Pretty sure. Kinda sure. Seen earlier in the day, a swimming pool repair truck for a Riverside-based company (which shall remain nameless) driving south on Arlington Avenue. It sports several canny and memorable lines of ad copy like, “If we don’t fix it right, you don’t pay” and “Factory trained.” But what sticks out even more is: “We speak English.” Truth in advertising? Let’s hope the ACLU’s Jacuzzi remains in working order.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27

Just when you think you’ve heard the death knell for taxpayer-funded health care, the City of Rialto announces a discount card that provides up to 20 percent off prescription drugs that are purchased at CVS and other major pharmacies. Even sweeter—the cards are free. “One card serves an entire family,” Councilwoman Deborah Robertson says, maybe gloating since Rialto is one of only a handful of IE cities (Cathedral City, Murrieta, Grand Terrace, Fontana and Claremont) that offer it. One card to take the financial edge off buying Mom’s migraine pills, Dad’s, ahem, Cialis meds, little Skippy’s attention-deficit disorder capsules and even Grandma’s heavy-duty rheumatism lotion. Heck, if we’re going there—let’s get some ear mites power for good ol‘ Rex. Take that, 1-800-PetMeds! Now, considering Rialto’s making use of a League of Cities program that’s trying to help folks that do not have prescription drug coverage through their insurance (read: Obama lovers), what in the name of all that is holy has made Rialto the Pinko Socialist Capital of this region? That, at least, is the question I’m sure Ken Calvert and Jerry “No, the other” one” Lewis are asking. Government-paid health care?! Time to bring out the big guns. And by that we mean the death panels.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 28

It’s the mother of all head counts coming up and, lucky for us, a U.S. Census Bureau opens up right here in Riverside. It’s one of 39 offices in SoCal and Hawaii that are entrusted with the glorious once-a-decade privilege of counting the unwashed and untutored masses. “62 Days to Census Day” screams a media advisory like the release date of a new iPod was upon us. And while bureaucrats are counting down the days like a Mayan calendar, one has to wonder about the real thing that bears adding up: How many in the 38 other U.S. Census Bureau offices wish they could be doing their head counts from Maui?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29

The always astute Calvert (R-U Kidding?) takes time away from his busy schedule of makin‘ laws and shooting silver bullets into the heart of Obama-care to touch base with his constituents. He’s really concerned, you see, as evident in a missive that begins, “I hope you and your family have safely weathered our recent storms and were able to avoid any damage to your home or car.” Thanks, Ken. Good to know that you—and presumably a private insurance company—have our back. But Ken’s acumen and grasp of the facts is boundless, boundless, I say. His email also goes on to say, “After so much rain, you might be thinking that our drought is over, but, unfortunately, California’s water crisis will not be solved by a week full of rainstorms.” Yeah, Ken, cuz that’s exactly what we were thinking. That and that police solve crimes in 30- and 60-minute blocks. And that weathermen really predict the weather. Whatever. Lame.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30

It doesn’t rain. Which is bad for the aquifer—but even worse for my dirty-ass car. 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 31

I notice a Verizon billboard off the 91 Freeway near Corona that ever so wisely warns us: “Don’t Text and Drive.” Good advice since no one will argue that it’s a bad idea to take your eyes off the road to type CU L8R to your BFF (though everyone does it). Though . . . in order to be aware of Verizon’s concern for our automotive safety you’ve got to read their billboard. Which means taking your eyes off the road. Does anyone get a whiff of irony?

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1

When is a three-pointer not a three-pointer? When it’s NOT attempted by Kobe Bryant—who’s minted a game-closing name for himself, in part, by pulling off clutch, buzzer-beating, nick-of-time shots. Only problem is that in today’s match-up against the Grizzlies, the last-minute tri-shot that could have won the game isn’t fired off by Kobe. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he tried, but he ended up passing the ball to Ron Artest who provides us all with an elementary lesson in the laws of physics. When Artest shoots from three-point land and the ball clanks clumsily against the rim and misses, this is a demonstration of how in the Newtonian universe every action—in this case No. 37’s—triggers an equal and opposite reaction: Pure and utter disappointment.